The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

There are a couple of tiny birds on Sammy's dog food bowl.  I can see them flitting in and out again reminding me that the bird feeders are still empty. Several of the recently transplanted plants are droopy in their pots and dried leaves have collected in little brown pools all around the deck like throw rugs.  I like to blow off the deck every morning while I'm waiting for water to boil for my coffee press. Being away has put me behind over here!
Yesterday I washed the car ... and Sammy ... in the shade of the carport.  It is definitely hot enough for me here. Sammy's bath, rather shower, suds, rinse took awhile.  He must have had the dirt exactly where he wanted it because he was not cooperative.  He really didn't even want to sit when I told him too and refused to lay down for a belly scrub.  My husband was probably watching from inside because he came out and neatly laid Samson on his back.  Once I was finished with the soap brushing and the rinse Sammy didn't want to get up.  That was the first time I've washed him with a back scrubber brush and I gave him a good look at it in hopes that he'll remember it next time I tell him to lay down during a dog bath.  He knows I can't make him.  He knows he is stronger than I am ... it really aggravates me when his eyes go "dumb" and he plays deaf or bilingual.  I know he understands. By time I finished out there I was wet dog stinky, soaked through, and stepping around very carefully on the slippery concrete.  Came in, put my wet clothes right in to the wash and slid in to an oversized shirt of my husband's which was hanging in the laundry room.  Nothing feels nicer than white cotton shirts, white sheets ... white pillow cases. Once at the shower I realized I had left scissors and three empty shampoo bottles outside.  I put on some flip flops and buttoned a few more shirt buttons  on the way out the back door to retrieve them.
It's funny when you fall.  You don't collect much information about how it happened, you just know that you were standing up and now you're laying down.  You realize you don't have on any underwear sometimes and if you're me you remember your mom telling you to never leave home without good underwear on.  I actually laughed through the wincing as I attempted to collect my sprawled out self, push back towards and then up into a (modest) sitting position on the stoop.
I was pretty sure nothing was broken.  That has turned out to be right even though my four "little" toes look like Vienna Sausages left out of the can too long.  They are not touching each other either which is good because whenever anything touches them it hurts.  I'm guessing a sprain. Or maybe they were over extended during the fall.  Half of the big toe's nail is missing.  I took a bunch of Tylenol and went to bed.  Today I've been sitting around most of the day.  The only thing I've accomplished is a soak bath.  My daughter observed that I was sporting "old lady legs" when I had some time with her on Sunday.  Old lady legs ... not smoothly shaved, maybe even patchy shaved like someone might shave just below the rolled up bluejeans line for a couple of times, maybe neglect behind the knee.  I laughed right out loud when she said that.  My mom didn't shave above the Bermuda shorts line and I thought that was spectacularly gross. It amuses me that I have become a source of "eww, Mom, really?!?'  So, shaving was going to be my big reward for getting all my self-assigned tasks done yesterday.  You'll be relieved, or at least slightly less grossed out, to know that my legs are back up to par.
note back on X-ray results done on 5 Oct. or so -
five broken bones in the second third and fourth toe
Doc says they'll eventually heal - keep 'em buddy wrapped for awhile

She drove home from her summer job for a short visit arriving here at dinner time, she had to head back right after breakfast the next day.  My husband suggested I ride with her and he followed us in our car. We could tell she needed some "momma-time".  It's relationship stuff.  She is feeling neglected, hurt.  I get it.  Totally get it. We all know exactly how that feels even though people respond to the pain of that in all different ways, relationship pain is something we all know.

I told her that I was really happy for her that she has been willing to take a chance on putting her heart and energies in to something that's full of unknowns.  That's a difficult thing for me to do and in that we are alike.  We talked about how "yucky" it feels to be vulnerable.  We talked about boundaries or walls in relationships and how we make choices about who comes close and who must stay out.  We talked about how sometimes people who have come "close" become less so and that's tough to deal with.  We talked about misunderstandings and bad assumptions.  We talked about the need for second chances sometimes and rebuilding broken trust.  Right spirits and new hearts ... .  It kind of amazes me that any of us are able to sustain long term relationships outside of familial bonds.  We talked a good bit about trust.  I told her about a time I could remember when I decided to take a chance on a relationship and it felt to me as though I was extending my hand towards "unknown".  I wasn't excited about it.  I was scared.  I was more of a "fraidy-cat" in general than I am now, but, I was afraid to be vulnerable, afraid I'd get hurt.  I didn't have much room left for getting hurt at that time ... my reserves were at an all time low.  I told her that I truly believe that a lot of what we do, physically, for lack of a better vocabulary, may actually be perceived as a "model" for how we respond to relationship with God.  How can we take chances with God if we are never willing to take a chance with a person.  How can we know how to form a relationship with God, if we can't form attachments to people.  I told her that the broken relationships that have troubled me have been the ones where I made a commitment to the person.  I decided to "let them in", let them be one of "my people".  I've noticed with Tommy's wife (wives) for example, they are mine because they were his.  The first wife is the mother of his children.  She wants to hang out this month sometime.  I will make time for that.  With a thing like I experienced with his last wife, I get it (maybe), she was/is mad about him dying too soon.  She is the sort of person who takes her anger out on the people around her.  I've seen her do it with him, with her daughter, with her grandchildren.  When she's in a bad mood she spreads it around.  I wouldn't have discarded the relationship because I had committed to the relationship.  It wouldn't surprise me to hear from her eventually.  Either way is okay.

Sometimes you have to withdraw your hand from a friendship.  I think it's unfortunate that we do that with God sometimes.  He doesn't move away, but we do ... for any number of reasons.  It's easy to get busy with stuff that matters less and just drift.  In human relationships when you're drifting and your friend doesn't reach out for you it feels like they don't care enough, are unable to care enough.  In a case like that you just gotta start swimming. Sometimes you have to decide not to be "dumb".


GretchenJoanna said...

I hope you are all healed from this fall? The risks of dog ownership! You tell a good story -- except that the ending was sad :-(

GretchenJoanna said...

How lucky your daughter is to have someone like you to talk to!

DeAnn said...

Getting better! Maybe I should have gone to the doctor - the kids all say I should have, but I know that would have been a boot and several follow up visits for something good old fashioned "babying it a little" will fix. It's going to be fine!
I'm thinking about "the ending was sad". It is sort of sad ... but ... it's complicated too. People move on and sometimes that is "away" from their friendship. I think, in my case, I can leave my heart open (once it has opened to another), but am okay with the space between when a hand has fallen back to one's side. It is sad. People like to wonder what eternity may look like ... I think it will provide opportunity to celebrate friendships which are less practical during our life times. Pencil me in on your schedule GJ, I'd love to share some time in the garden with you!

As for my (adult) children - as a mother of five yourself, I know you'll understand what I mean when I say "they raised me". I am the fortunate one!