The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

very relaxed and in fine fettle … Thankful

Sewing burlap with trim stocking for Two to sale in her Christmas crafts booth
she will bling these basic stockings up a bit with glittery jingle bells
 and maybe stenciled words or monograms.
I enjoy doing this for her.

very relaxed and in fine fettle … 
kind words from a friend in response to the previous picture post.
Makes me smile … and makes me want to note the real story of why I wanted to save that image here for later.  

I've been flying a lot lately, and frankly, enjoying every moment of it.  The very tiny CTSW is a ton of fun to fly.  I would not have thought I would particularly enjoy it. The idea of a airplane that wants a parachute is still troubling for my sensibility, but that is the only thing I don't like about the plane (obviously a selling point/positive for lotsa folks).  My favorite thing about the plane is the fun/challenging aspect of landing it extremely well.  I love landings.  I love the whole focus, finesse … the satisfaction of landing well … love that feeling.  And I love that there are variables that come to play at each landing … the dynamics delight me.  Lighter is trickier to land well.  I guess that might be how I challenge my skill level … idk, I see other very fine pilots who derive their primary pleasure from other aspects of flight.  Cruise is a little boring for me … . 
 Anyway, it's becoming apparent that the LLC I'm providing contract flying services for may be getting ready to close up shop on this venture.  To make a long, and possibly litigious, story short, I'll simply note, this past several weeks have been on one hand (working at instructing) "delightful" while on the other hand extremely stressful.  I am afraid the people I've been working with as students have been tricked.  The company has received money but they are having trouble paying for services received.  I have been "scolded" by the CEO for asking that past due local financial obligations be met.  Yesterday I responded to his request for further piloting services with the statement that I will do that when my past due invoice is paid and the past due maintenance bills are paid (and he must "pre-pay" me to do that).  It's interesting how "life" sometimes places you in the middle of things.  I miss the quiet I am able to find in my own little house.  
So … that picture is for me the story of a "good year" … of the couch I earned the money to buy this year and the "fit" earth suit I've been working for this year.
… and the silliness of cute shoes/feet on the furniture (the kids know not to).  It's a picture to remind me that I am blessed in that I'm in a place that I especially chose for myself, worked hard to get to, and like.  I wasn't smiling before L asked me to for the picture, because I laying there marinating in the negatives of that situation.  I see the lives of these people/students who I have been working, their dreams of becoming more (as they stretch to earn certificates) … I see them being "messed" with, and they are good people.  It hurts.  And … I see also this predatory manipulation of zeroing in on one's special dream/heart need and "using" that against them … how does a person become someone who will do that? … that's sad too.  And … last thing on this … I have observed this guy "poking around" in my head looking for what motivates me so that he might manipulate.  It's really just fascinating … and funny … because I am fortunate enough to not have any holes in my heart/head so desperately in need of filling.  I say that with gratefulness and no arrogance.  I am truly grateful that I don't have to do shady stuff for either survival/existence needs or ego/gratification needs.  (He says I can use the plane as though it is my own … thank you God, that I am not so desperate to build time that I will steal  hours in a plane (those hours are not his to give away even though he pretends they are) that someone else owns … and thank you for helping me see that time "borrowed" from anything that is not mine costs someone something.

And, as significant as that is to me and those others who are involved, it's really nothing next to where my best friend finds herself this week.  I want to be there with her as she journeys through a real difficult time.  

This sermon, last Sunday's from Psalms 134, seems timely.  
I sat still hearing the word.  Normally I take quite a bit of notes but on Sunday I sat quiet, still and listened as best I could with my heart.  I can see my little doodling of Silent Night and I remember sitting on the pew doing that and then twisting a bit of my hair, back and forth between the two subconscious acts that I've always done in unguarded moments when I just listen.  The Pastor pointed out how Christ was alone with God in the Garden of Gethsemane, and all the many times when He seemed to be alone.  I think we sometimes feel that way even when our people are around us, I know I do.

"You are who you really are when you are alone with God ... who are you when no one is watching, when you are (in) your true condition."Pastor said.   It's good to find the answer to that.  And ... it may take some effort to "get alone" or comfortable with that quiet.  I've been really missing quiet time lately and I can feel my peace slipping away.  

"Respond with all that you are …" sermon words, good words.

He is teaching us that these are Psalms of Ascension ... traveling songs for the journey. 

My best friend's little sister is in the last days of her life here ... cancer.  It's tearing my friend up. I know this feels like the night shift ... the night watch ... for them. 

"In the quiet lonely season, be alert, watch for God, see reminders of grace around you and in you life ... even in the night, look for God's grace, see it... then turn it back in words, actions and attitudes of praise.  Respond with all that you are."  
I love that ... .

Silent night.  I like it as a Christmas song, but I think I will try to weave it together in my memory, the song to prompt my recollection of this Psalms and this sermon.  I like to remember that because of grace I am not alone even in seasons (or long sad moments) of profound sadness ... there I may look for the many shimmering evidences of God's love and grace, and I may practice praise with my whole being.


Gaye Crispin said...

You write well. Love your bloggin style. :)

DeAnn said...

I'm glad you stopped in! Thank you for the kind words.