I woke up with a headache. I think it has to do with me not wanting to think about something that I really should engage in. Even though I say I am thankful for those people in my life who have meant so much towards shaping/building me, I really don't like the pain that is a part of that process. The karate coach said pain is weakness leaving your body...I think he heard that somewhere. That's a good saying. Does it follow then that emotional pain is weakness leaving your soul? By weak I don't mean a character flaw, I mean maybe selfishness or self centered ness. "Meocentricity" I don't like the vulnerable feeling that comes with trusting people who will eventually be the source of pain. I don't like to trust and I don't like the weight of being trusted. It's a huge burden to try to do right where others are concerned ... I mean, some days I will try to do my best and some days I'm like screw this ... some days I am tired, some days I am just ornery. Some days I am looking out for myself, going my own way, doing my own thing (I kinda like that).
That baby with the great smile ... I was starting to love him. I don't want to love another person who is not my person. I could love him and his parents could just decide to move to some other middle of nowhere and I would never see him again and I don't think I really have many extra pieces of my heart left to handle cavalierly. I could love his parents more. I want to not. I want to pull back. I want to protect my heart. I want to focus on my little project with all my extra energy (which isn't much). My buddy doesn't have a mother. I can't step in to that role ... I already have the five promises lined up requiring what only my time can give them. I promised. I want to look out for mine and me. Wow.
I can see that I have to pitch in here. I have to help ... not really me, because I want to roll up on this and look the other way. I need more time if I'm going to take on more. I've thought about the time I spend here - blogging. It doesn't add up to much more than 30 minutes a day ... and it helps me sort stuff out I think. I don't see much wasted time in my day ... I don't see where the time I give to them will come from. I have weeds in my flowerbeds and... .
That thing I said yesterday, about giving yourself away seems to actual make you into more than you were ... I really think that's what I've seen. It's counter intuitive to take away from and end up with more.... Maybe that's the lesson in the loaves and fishes story in the Bible. Maybe there is a way I can invest in helping with my little bit. So, I am both people. The person who wants to hold on to all my bits, and spend them where I've promised and also on my project. And I am the person who understands that we are all in this together and we have to offer our bits to God to do with as He sees fit. I sure have benefited from other people who were just being who they were supposed to be. The idea expressed by the living sacrifice concept. Ugh. That sounds time consuming and I don't want to do that ... and that made the headache. And I do want to do that, but I am afraid of the cost to my heart. And I feel compelled to do that but my organized OCD self doesn't see the spot to plug that in.
I'm going to do it. I am going to walk over to the edge of that and step off. I'm going to trust God to keep all the eggs in my basket here, or not as He sees fit, I just hope He realizes what I have at stake here and I hope He keeps me safe. Yeah - I'm saying I hope I can trust Him.
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