notes from 11/18/11
Paul Newman's letter to his wife on their wedding day:
“ Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.".
Read this morning ... Wise words to live a marriage by.
21 Nov 2011 Yesterday I showed this letter to my husband and asked him what he thinks of it. He shrugged dismissively, maybe disdainfully, but didn't comment about the specifics. I said I thought it was a very nice letter ... something his wife must have cherished. I told him that I need his version of a letter like this. He said he would put this on his list. I said I sure would like his version of a letter like this for Christmas. This part of his list will go in a little round file.
A few days ago I said I was going to ask Santa for a telescope ... then I started researching which one ... those little wonders are expensive! That's not going to go on my list, a telescope isn't as important as it seemed for a minute there. I can look at pictures on line for now. But ... I would like a letter. Thirty years later ... I need to see the words that express his heart. And ... Honestly, I feel bad about asking for that because I know he is busy providing for all of us. I should tell him what I need ... I just wish I didn't need more then what he's already got on his list ... a request like this just creates a burden (for me). I'm encouraging myself to "feel blessed". He needs to feel appreciated for what he can and does do. That's part of how I can be the right partner. And I am thinking about these quotes noted awhile back.
" ...Not to use another as an emotional scratching post for my own yearnings." ~ paraphrased ~ I don't want to make him feel bad for stuff he is unable to do.
or these in a book by E. Gilbert ... Eat, Pray, Love
"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."