PS to yesterday's notes ...

"You said some of the best moments last week were when you were sitting outside just relaxing, and I know that you were thinking about something, and I know that it must have been something interesting.    My golf buddy said he really enjoys watching his children parent, but it grieves him that they don't make taking the family to church a priority - Sunday is a rest day from a week that is just too busy.  I think that is where we find ourselves, too busy to think.  You have the luxury of not being too busy and I think it would be sweet for you to share what you are thinking about with people who don't have the time to sit outside and relax, share those best moments." That's what my husband said to me yesterday at lunch, and I have been thinking about it.  

It has taken me quite a while to decompress from years of too busy. And even lately I've seen myself thinking about things more clearly then I was able to just the week before.  I noted here that fear doesn't wear well, what I didn't say, that I do believe, is that we don't wear it well because we weren't designed to "wear"  fear. Fear wasn't part of the original plan ...  intending to say scared fear, not reverent fear.  I love it, in the Bible, when the angel says, "Fear not ... "  it always cracks me up 'cause the appearance of an alien life form would be pretty intense ... apparently, they come with a message, and it's tricky to deliver clear communications through the sometimes impermeable cloak of fear.  And yet we all have our fears ... and our fears are somehow connected to betrayals, breaches of trust ... lessons learned and probably some mis-learned. Little big and big little things that ding cracks in our souls.  How can one let another so sweetly, so lightly, run a finger over their soul if there is no trust ... ?  

As I sat outside last week, landing pumpkin seeds husks on a Redbud seedling and Hosta leaves I was thinking about that dream which represents a difficult time, and fear had me engaged when all I really needed to say was ... I can't fix this ... because it is not mine to fix.  Me, trying to offer any fix for it was actually contributing to the problem.  It's not the problem, but it fuels the problem.  And ... fear is part of what drives me to participate, as well intentioned as it might be, intentions informed by fear are mostly not on the mark.  And ... for the lexicon of that dream, a friend reminded me that there is a Chief Pilot, and I answer to Him.  And ... truth is, He has the big picture and is actually looking out for me, and everyone/everything else, in relation to that better view.  In that dream I was actually contributing to the overall problem ... and not even identifying the most pressing problem ... duh ... low on fuel. When the fuel poops out the plane is going to land.  Period.  It was a problem of managing a landing, not keeping the thing in the air ... .  I was thinking about the relief of disengaging myself from the tangle and ... I had read Lewis' words ...  

"But in the long run it is perhaps even more apparent in our growing - for it ought to be growing - awareness that our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete, preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie things that are now knotted together and tie up things that are still dangling loose." 

So ... I'm thinking about this.  I have the wonderful luxury of being not too busy to think about this.  And maybe there are some stories worth writing from those thoughts.