The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Sorry if these posts seem disjointed ...
 guess that accurately describes how life feels right now
people text, 
asking for the mechanic's phone number ... 
reminding me that the sweet tea social is coming up ...
"real life" stuff like that
... but life is, uh surreal ... just now.
Mom and I began a little road trip last Friday ... wow, that's almost a week ago as I add text to these pictures late Thursday ... I thought we could go "home" ... where my husband and children are, for a couple of weeks, I thought it might be a grand last trip.  We made it to Momma's sister's home, a half way point, and spent two nights there before turning back towards Austin, Momma's home near my brother.  The pic above taken on the return trip ... somewhere along I10, we were socked in all the way along the route until the bottom finally fell out NW of Houston.  I woke up early on Sunday thinking that my brother was feeling afraid  ... and that made me afraid.  He was having significant pain due to an obstructed colon ... which a NG tube helped sort out over the past several days ... once the pressure behind the colon was relieved his system began to operate sufficiently well again.  He is still in the hospital tonight, but back on solids ... Mexican food of course ... they are watching an infection which might compromise his port.  Due to begin chemo again on Monday if all goes well.
So ... we returned to Momma's apartment and I think it was in the knick of time.  She had begun to hallucinate and grows steadily weaker.  This morning when I said we might get to see Tommy today she said "Tommy Walker?"  who is her cousin and a childhood playmate.  I've never heard her call him Tommy before but it makes sense.  She didn't click in on Tommy her son ... and until late this afternoon she was unable to recognize me as her daughter.  That's where we are at ... wherever that is.
Earlier in the week I was able to come and go between Momma's apartment and the hospital.  My brother likes to rand at the window which looks out on the helo pad ... the sun floods in there and he has been missing the sun he says.  All those little signs in the fore ground say "no open bed trucks"  lol ... could be a real mess!
CALM ... cracks me up ... Momma's sister recommends this as just the thing for Momma.  If only it were that easy.  My momma didn't like chewing today ... she really has little interest in food.  She slept most of the day with her head in my lap.  She thinks I am her mommie most of the time.  That's fine.  My goal is to provide her with the opportunity to die in her own surroundings.  It's very peaceful there with just the two of us.  This weekend my husband will pop in for a day or two and that will be a nice break for me ... Tommy hopes to spend some time with us next week before the chemo puts him in his own bed for a few days.  Man ...  .

Here's what we like:

  1. hospital ice ... perfect (sorta like Sonic ice)
  2. coffee with lots of real half and half (no sugar works well for me now)
  3. being able to make my fitbit bracelet signal 10,000 steps
  4. Mexican food (for him ... I actually prefer my own cooking where Mexican food is on the table, but the local BBQ rocks ... and I have been "researching" other notable BBQ joints ... too far to drive to right now, but I'm noting them.  And ... last week Tommy and I drove past a Tamale sign out side someone's home and I stopped to procure a dozen ... no go ... sold out.  Tommy said that's one of Willie Nelson's haunts.  It looked like a place where real Tamales might be found.  I'll try again for those because I already know I'll like them.)
  5. wonderfully fluffy feather pillows and that great alpaca throw ... perfect!
My mother has a lot of cookbooks and a couple of other books I will enjoy looking through ... and L is bringing my rocker over.  I have no idea how long I will be here.  It feels like the right place for me to be, but I haven't gotten situated in it just yet ... it does feel surreal.  This is funny ... a year or so ago L and I began watching the TV show 24 ... and I especially noticed and liked that the main character, Jack, was outstanding at "recognizing and accepting" the current situation ... and because he was able to do that, he was able to respond most appropriately to a very fluid dynamic.  Yeah, it'sa show ... but that seemed to me to be a very efficient way to approach life in general.  I think about those Red Sea Rules ... and the first one is: God knows where you are at ... uh oh, that's not what he wrote, he said God intends for you to be here.  (I'm really trying to not think "bummer" when I recall the number one Red Sea Rule ... really.)

1. Realise that God means for you to be where you are. 
2. Be more concerned for God's glory then your relief.
3. Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord.
4. Pray
5. Stay calm and confident, and give God time to work.
6. When unsure, take the next logical step by faith.
7. Envision God's enveloping presence.
8. Trust God to deliver in His own unique way.
9. View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future.
10. Don't forget to praise Him.
 ... still a pretty interesting concept. I am remembering just a month or so ago I told L that I dreamed God was hugging me ... that was before all this ... before all this.  I think I best be remembering how great that hug felt.

Well ... that's it for now ... no internet at Momma's and my time away from her place is in short supply.  I think we will get some WiFi going this weekend.

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