I've been dreading today ... so much so in fact, that rather then just tell someone, I've just been trying to handle it by myself. Yesterday I went to the bank and moved money around to my little personal account - the one that I have for my flight training expenses. My husband wanted me to open an account of my own so that I could start building my own credit and banking relationships ... I guess we're getting to that age where he wants me to know how to do some financial housekeeping. So ... any money I earned from instructing was automatically deposited into that account ... a little bit of "loan money" was also in that account. It was the first loan I have applied for since I've been married. I wouldn't have qualified for a loan based on my earnings, but I did have enough deposited every two weeks to pay for the loan. Having a checkbook with only my name on it felt both sweet and morbid. So - anyway, today I wrote a check out of that account that wiped it out.

It may have been exactly a year ago today that I decided to take a huge risk. I'm not that same person ... I almost don't even remember her as I sit here shaking my head in disbelief that I could be so naive! I didn't realize that there was risk involved in my decision ... now, I'm thinking that the element of risk will need to be considered in all future choices ... risk isn't inherently bad, in fact, it might be what makes most things interesting. But I was unnecessarily naive ... I kinda like that trait in other people, it makes me think they are trusting ... and trustworthy ... kinda innocent (or in my case - sheltered). I spent last year working on trust issues ... seems like I might have been a little more heads-up. I am actually laughing at myself a little as I type this out.

Here's my deal in brief.

I was standing in the hall near the file cabinet looking for some certification sheets for some one's folder ... (okay, briefer ... ) The Chief came over and started talking to me ... he said, "We really need you out here ... whydontcha do your CFI certificate?" I laughed ... and said kinda smarty like I do, that I didn't have the money for that right now ... I'd love to but ... I'd have save up a bit more money before taking on that expense. He said, "Because you are part of the team already we can waive your instructional expenses (pay for the Hobbs time on the airplane only which is a bucket load of money in and of itself ... briefer ...) and you can run an account with us and pay it back out of your earnings as a CFI. We were a part 141 operation ... the Chief had examining authority even for the initial CFI. "Hmmm, I thought ... flight instructing here would be pretty cool." I immediately made a request for a specific flight instructor ... specifically because I knew he would not let me through with anything less then excellent CFI ready to go skills. I'd never flown with him, but I knew he was the real deal. I told the Chief that I'd have to talk this over with my husband, and that I would only take it on if FI would accept me as a student ... and because I wasn't a complete idiot, I threw in, "You'll fly with me every once in a while just to make sure I'm up to par for a job out here when it's done won't you? Sweet, innocent words ... sounding in the air when I took the plunge ... trusting.

Sometimes right in the middle of a lovely short field touch down ... and believe me, lots of money was spent making them lovely, none of this PTS standards were met kinda talk with my FI ...he could give a furry little rat's ass about hitting the marks on those drop in landings/heavy on the brakes or the fluttering slow flight so far back on the energy curve that you just might not make the white paint before the stall (he especially hated those). Yeah ... it's within the standards he'd agree, but not your standards ... your standards are that it will be flown intentionally ... as though it matters because you're out of concrete or dirt or whatever ... do it again ... again ... again. It got to where I could do any performance landing (and take-off) knowing exactly how the whole thing would go ... no doubts. I figured I would eventually be the go to CFI to fix ingrained crappy technique upon request. You may think I'm bragging, but I'm really just getting side tracked. Re-wind: Sometimes right in the middle of a lovely SF TD the FI would casually say ... "I want this to be ingrained, because your check ride will also be your job interview ... you're not going to get any second chances." Eventually, he just shortened it to "Yeah, thechief will like that." He really loved to say that because it was guaranteed to piss me off ...and pissed off me might misjudge the energy state on the next pass ... . He felt that his reputation would be on board when my big day arrived ... also, he didn't want me to let some kid put me upside down on a training flight ... he was constantly working on making me work at keeping my head in the game at all costs. (Okay,I know this isn't brief ...)

Did you get that part where the deal was laid out? Waive the instructor's fees, pay for plane, payback flight costs out of salary, train with this flight instructor, check ride with Chief . I said yes.

Then we lost our examining authority for CFIs ... no big deal I thought ... I am up to a ride with the FAA .

Then we lost our Chief ... to an unfortunate little gear up landing on a commercial certride ... that's really sad for him I thought ... hope I'll like the new chief ... hope he'll hire me never crossed my mind ... my FI was the go to guy on that anyway and he was collaborating with me on the end product ... three green no red for me.

Then the Director of Flight Ed. showed up with a bunch of chain of command charts ... really ... he had slides and walked us all through them at more then one meeting ... everyone smirked ... how embarrassing for him I thought. My training was temporarily suspended while my FI took on the responsibilities of the empty Office of the Chief. No one knew what the Director of FlightEd. actually did ... he's not a CFI ... I thought of him as a PR guy ... without the prerequisite personality.

Then he wanted a little meeting with me ... he'd heard about my cost waiver (from the executive assistant - his assistant - he's the only executive) ... he didn't like it ... he implied thatI had charmed my way into that deal ... I assured him that I had never been accused of being charming before. ...And FI is too busy to work with you ... and I basically said "Duh, I've noticed that ... . ... and I went straight to the FIs office and he said ... don't worry about any of that, DFEd is just feeling his oats (not a quote ... but something like that) ... this will blow over when the new Chief gets here ... "I promise." (that was a quote) ... and so I sat patiently ... maybe even quietly enough to hear something from the Lord.

Then the Executive assistant handed me my bill and said DFEd wants you to pay your bill (not on you bill) and I noticed that she had never ever smiled at me before. I smiled back ... and said, I'll meet with the DFEd on this issue ... and I did. He implied that I must be even more charming then he at first suspected. I reminded him that in fact I am not charming at all, and any number of people could vouch for that fact. It was during this meeting that I started to notice a little malicious sparkle in his eyes. I was surprised. I told him about the conversation by the file cabinet in December ... he said, I don't care what the Chief told you ... there's a new sheriff in town (that type of thing) ... I thought he was wearing a tin star and ... okay, this is the truth, I didn't say anything I would later regret, but I gritted my teeth so hard that I'm surprised I didn't break a filling. I told him I would pay it before the end of the year and I started looking around for a finish up program.

I don't know why but he started taking swipes at me ... saying things like is your check ride scheduled ... it seems like a straightforward question, but he asked it in a mocking tone ... then when the ride was scheduled ... he was like "well we'll all pop the cork on that celebratory bottle when you get the ticket" ... that was when I told him to kiss my ass ... not word for word ... not even those words ... but it was pretty clear what I was thinking ... he actually laughed when he scurried away. My ride went well. Rather then just congratulate me, he said I must have gotten a sweetheart deal. Again, I gritted my teeth ... and bit my tongue. After a few weeks of simmering down, as my Daddy would say, I started realizing that maybe the DFEd was maybe just trying to make the money side work for the flight school. I started empathizing with his point of view a little. I initiated a conciliatory conversation and (to my surprise) he apologized "For maybe not saying things in the best possible way." This week I asked him if there was any chance I would be considered for the next CFI slot that opens up out there ... he told me the next slot has already been hired ... that he was hired weeks ago but hadn't been assigned a student yet ... we talked about the guy some, perhaps I had met him ... retired from the airlines ... older gentleman.

I sat down with the FI today ... I could tell that he was upset about something when I first saw him (girls have secret powers like that) ... we talked for a while about what's got him going ... I've never seen him upset before and it made me very sad. I've seen him pissed, exasperated, fed up ... never upset. We talked about his stuff for a little while and then I told him that I am not going to put an application in out there ... I told him that the hard part for me is accepting the fact that what I had hoped for just no longer even exists ... the new sheriff blew in on a dust storm and they are up to their elbows in tumble weeds out there...I told him about my last meeting with the DFEd ... and about the guy who is already hired ... he said that was bullshit (a lie)... "It doesn't matter to me," I said, "it's code for the DFEd will make you miserable out here." What he said next broke my heart, but it's his private business and I won't repeat it. He told me that the truth is that a flight instructor like me will have more work then I know what to do with before very long ... hope he's right.

After that conversation, I delivered the check to the Director of Flight Education. I handled it well. His executive assistant had drummed up some double billing ... an accident probably ... he said, "I guess you're upset about my note to you yesterday" ... the one informing me of extra invoices ... I said - no ... not at all ... no problem ... those invoices were already accounted for in this total ... I wonder why she keeps on giving you inaccurate information, I mused ... I showed him the spread sheet that my husband built complete with invoice numbers (my husband rocks anything financial ... genius,really) ... here ... keep it, maybe it will be helpful, I said. That's it. The bad news is, I didn't get the job I wanted. The good news is, I didn't get the job I wanted. I feel good about having closure with this part of my life, both the actually flying aspect and it's companion ... ie lessons learned from living what I love (risky business).

Then I came home ... and I was a little sad ... and I opened a card that came in today's mail from someone who loves me. Me. Not super girl me, just plain ole me. And there was a CD in the card with a song on it ... and the song reminded me of the things that I think are really important ... and they don't have much of anything to do with airplanes.

I was dreading today ... it seemed like an unhappy ending. That song in a card reminded me that you can count on God. He's pretty cool, and has the whole thing figured out. I can trust Him. Maybe this is more like a beginning ... .