Something kind of exciting came to mind yesterday. I'm going to ramble a bit here as I just try to wrap the best words around these thoughts ... Plus I'm typing on my phone and that's always a tad difficult.

Trust.

It's easier to trust some one within certain perimeters. Like this: when I was struggling thru all the bull-oney towards the CFI certif I was thinking about just trusting God with that issue. By that I mean this; I thought God was thumbs up on the exercise ... I thought I was on track with the whole "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me ...". I had prayed about the commitment for several reasons ... I think it would be wise to pray about as many decisions as possible, but I don't necessarily follow that good plan. Usually, I am in a hurry to just get started!
“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”~Thoreau
Anyway ... this was a big deal to me for several reasons. One, I know how I am about finishing what I start ... I may be a bit over the top there ... my husband says I am very predictable once I make a committment ... I am determined and tenacious ... and willing to pay whatever the price to protect those traits. That can be good, but it can also be just plain stubborn - here at this point in my life I see that it has gotten me "played" some. So ... just making the commitment to start something new (that I would have to finish) was something to pray about.
Next, the costs ... financial of course. Because flight instruction is very expensive and because flight instructors make very very little money, I knew I was stepping in to a money pit. Believing that I could earn the job to pay the costs back, made it possible for me to make a "go" decision. I thought it would be cost neutral as far as the money went. The other costs were harder to weigh. On one hand , I think my family is over attended to by me - to their detriment, and being unavailable for every little text messaged request could be really good for everyone. I wondered how they would adjust to me being less available. No way to weigh that. Was I being selfish? Could I handle the guilt?
And, how to say this ... the costs have become an issue in years past on previous experiences... nothing lets you know you are on a very pretty leash like having it jerked. I wasn't sure I could get started just to find out that I might find myself in a no win situation. I felt an interpersonal risk was being taken. Would I be able to cover the potential costs there? I wondered.
The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.~Thoreau
Nothing about the deal that was structured at the flight school was a concern as I began thinking and praying about the decision. Everything at the flight school seemed firm ... of course it didn't play out that way. The support offered by the flight school seemed to indicate that the time was right.

So, when the opportunity presented I felt that it would be one of my major decisions and certainly a huge chunk of the learning matrix ...by that I mean a place for me to learn some major life lessons. I think a lot of really important stuff is learned with/because of the people we let become important to us and in the places where we risk the most or maybe better said, the places that we find most fulfilling/interesting/challenging/connected. I think for me, flying is the place or activity where I am the most focused and intentional ... sometimes ... other times maybe the most peaceful. I really wanted to feel like I was making a good choice ... the right choice. Maybe it's important to acknowledge here also that I really wanted to train with one particular flight instructor ... if I couldn't work with him I would have chosen to wait maybe even indefinitely for the right instructor. I know I'll keep on learning stuff everytime I fly, but the flight instructor certificate ... seemed special. I really wasn't confident that the instructor I wanted to work with would be willing to work with me. It seemed to me that he had certainly earned the right to train whomever he wanted to for what ever reason he chose. Kinda like God. Or at least Yodaesque.
When I commmitted, I felt that I would be able to bring my whole self to the task and I expected to learn alot - yeah, about aviation related stuff, but mostly about how to listen to God and conform myself to what I thought I was hearing. I had worked up to being able to want to hear and trust God. I wanted to trust him specifically within the quest for the certificate. In hindsight, it worked out to be a lot more interesting then I expected it to be.
I thought I had the trusting God thing pretty well worked out.

Now, I am learning something about totally next generation trust. It is easier to trust God (or anyone) with something specific. Blanket trust is a lot harder. It's a lot harder for me to trust God right now ... when we have completed what I think of as our project. (The plastic is in my flight bag ...we must be mission accomplished.) I'm like, "Okay, thank you very much ... that was epic fun ... a real nail biter there! You rock ... thanks for your time and interest here ... good to go ... I've got it from here." It's hard for me to grapple with trust when I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be trusting about.

I see trust like this ... you are falling over the edge and someone ... friend or foe ... you don't know, throws you a line ... maybe you can pull yourself up without the help ... if you grab it, it is your last hope, because if it isn't secure you're a goner for sure ... we've all seen that movie.
This may be trust too ...you put all your eggs in a basket that takes two to carry.

This is my problem ... I don't know what God wants me to trust Him with now. I can't identify the basket. I sure don't want to mess up and not show up in the right place at the right time ... I am willing to work really hard, I just don't know what to do ... where to do it. Is waiting the same thing as sitting on one's backside? What am I supposed to do while I wait and what am I waiting on? Those are a few of the questions humming continuously in the background.

I am excited about this ... it's making me grow. If it were less important, I would disengage ... I see myself trying to substitute other important things already ... there is a tension as I try to hold on let go hold on.

This is what I am learning: There is a difference between trusting God with and just trusting God. I am a lot more comfortable with with. Unknowns make me uncomfortable and that is not quite true. Unknowns are interesting too. I admit, I am curious.

Can I really trust God without knowing what I am trusting him about? I didn't realize my life was saying I will trust you with this ... and we'll talk about the other stuff one item at a time. I am seeing my ability to trust, both God and people/stuff, grow. I am seeing myself just sort of go with it ... and honestly when it's not scaring me, like jumping on a flight to who knows where (should I bring a coat?) it makes me smile. I feel excited and curious about what comes next.