I am surprised as I look back through at how many of my posts are in "storage" ... too private. I am surprised as I look back through that more of my posts aren't in storage ... I've been working on some ideas here.
Trust ... lots of work on trust and I am very happy to believe that the work there is going very well. I am learning how to recognize why my trust switch is "twitchy" and ... well, I get it. I have also found that the Trust Switch has a push to reset breaker on it ... and then there are days and places where I can just trust ... and not even check the trust switch ... good places.
Shelter/Protect/Cherish ... Respect ... lots of ... bunches of work there.
Hope ... I seem to need some fine tuning in the hope department ... maybe that is a faith thing ... maybe hope is really about trust.
Persevere ... I see where I am tired and I see how that makes me vulnerable ... vulnerable isn't as bad as I thought it was ... there is a lot to learn over there where you are vulnerable. Seems like God finds a way to "touch you" where you'd least expect it. I have a new word now ... two new words. I found them where I was vulnerable. One is secret (too private) the other is amazed. I'm not feeling so determined anymore, I am relaxing ... it's getting to where I am still enough to see bunches and bunches of amazing swirling around. I know this may sound really weird, but if you actually read my blog you know I have a vivid imagination ... and maybe see things a little differently ... sigh ... sometimes I really have dreams (while I sleep) of a different kind of place. Everything feels right there ... it's a place where everyone can just fly ... and swim underwater for as long as they want to ... animals talk there too ... and other cool stuff ... souls don't bump into each other there. I know I am there (in my dreams) because a golden light pervades ... like fog ... except I can easily see through it ... and in addition to the golden wash there are swirling ribbons of golden tiny tiny flecks that are so small that they move right through the inhabitants of that place unimpeded. Every soul there delights in "being swirled" ... those tiny golden flecks are ... amazement ... joy.
I am an average person ... with a pretty normal life. Just like you. Recently, I have been sitting still enough (yeah, if you know me at all you know I don't sit still well ... I fiddle ... I kick ... I count ceiling tiles and floor squares) . Recently, I have experienced the touch of those tiny golden flecks as they swirled around and through me ... I didn't see them coming because I was awake. But I know how they feel and I know how they make me feel. Amazed. I'm going to be receptive to being amazed.
Why can all the truths told be swept away by one lie?
Why does a stack of gold weigh less then a sack of cold?
30 Jan
Trust can't be tossed out there like a picnic blanket.
She's talking about close relationships ... intimacy. This is what I think ... this thought originated in a place that should just feel but now it thinks first. Intimacy is like an oasis in the dessert ... maybe they exist ... lots of times they turn out to be a mirage ... me? I'm going to carry my own water. That may sound a little bitter here in black and white ... I don't think it is ... I think it is just practical. 17 March
It's another very grey day under the low clouds ... I know there is a brilliant sky just beyond. Yeah, weather 101 ... transferable as a life lesson.
26 Jan
I am tightly seatbelted in the middle back seat with a stack of pillows and a road weary down comforter piled about ... and ( this is the high point ) a watered down Mountain Dew in the cup holder. I do adore Mountain Dew, especially the blue kind found only at Taco Bell ... this one is yellow. Caffeine camouflaged as Koolaid ... The heartburn factor is high back here in the back seat. My husband just texted a picture of grilled steaks to me ... I do not have a picture to answer nicely with. All I have is a half gnawed dried out Arby's something lying in limp faux foil. TAFs around the area agree ( same source data helps a lot with that! ) that the very scary freezing rain is several hours after our worse case ETA. I didn't want to be on icey roads after dark. We have just now made the turn to the North and may see the forecasted snow and ice pellets ... Or maybe not. 9 Jan
I don't like to see all the already built stuff overlooked in favor of the new flavor. I don't like the waste of empty consumption. I appreciate the notion of re-imagining
22 January
Some naughty how I am three big glasses of wine into this evening.
My ears are humming and I recognize that as two glasses too many. I am at home. I will not fly or drive any time soon ... I am another few glass behind giggly but right on top of amusing swear words. I think occasional cussing is funny. Well, that is shameful but true 4 January
So, shelter. I've been reading about what researcher have to say about our need for relationships. What motivates us to form and maintain relationships with each other? It's been pretty interesting reading. They say we fall into two basic groups. One grouping is that people rely on relationships to help regulate feelings about themselves, in other words ... self esteem. The other is a desire for closeness or belonging. 18 January
It doesn't really matter why, and maybe I don't even know why, but for some reason I do not tend to let very many people get very important to me. I don't want to spend any time here on this idea, probably most people are like this. I don't like to feel/be inter personally vulnerable.
That's not how I want to be though. (Well, the truth is I struggle with it.). It's complicated ... but I don't think it's supposed to be. That falling backwards and somebody catches you ... trust building exercise ... not so much for me. No thanks. Coupled with that resistance is this: I think we are supposed to acknowledge our connectedness to one another. The people and events of your life (my life) become more or less significant at my choosing, but they're not arbitrary ... that's what I think. Even the simplest encounter becomes a thread which is spun into the yarn making it a stronger thread (thickness or density). Choice combined with circumstance weave those strands in to the warp (length-wise) and woof or welt (width or interlacing with the warp) of the tapestry that expresses your (my) life. You get to pick up some color and texture, pattern and scale ... design features ... and you get to choose how your fabric is used, or treated. Those encounters I choose should make my life more interesting ... meaningful ... we collaborate with one another as we create who we are and the paths that take us to who we become. 20 December
I sleep with my phone tucked right under the edge of my pillow ... it makes a great flashlight and sometimes I wake up wanting to read a bit, or just look at a favorite picture ... something to put a smile on the search for sweet dreams 3 February
I looked look back, briefly ... careful not to get stuck there, at a time when I felt blown ragged by a storm. Just lately I have been thinking about shelter and more specifically about the shelter provided in relationships ... and something else. I've been thinking about how we warm our hands on each other's fire. Relationships ... we are communal, warming each other with shared moments. How do we know how close to get ... probably depends on the heat of the fire and the coldness of our souls.
I made a pretty good choice back there in the storm. I decided to tippy toe up reaching for God's steadying hand. My feet wanted to do something other then that ... at the time, they wanted to run carrying my heart to somewhere ... safer ... . Instead, I stumbled in to a shelter ... the shelter ... in my own little tsunami-type event. Turns out God was big enough to lift me out of a mess I wouldn't have been able to out run, and he held me close as my heart broke. God knows all about broken hearts.
I'm writing about this, because I learned something there where hurt and anger and regret co-mingled and my heart might have exploded in bitterness, fracturing into pieces too small to find again ... too small to do anything good with (small, like those tiny pieces that slice in to you unexpected).
Every body experiences weather ... life is lived in the elements, and we seek shelter when it becomes too much. I was thinking about Adam and Eve ... in the garden ... naked. Naked didn't matter ... irrelevant ... unnoticed until they lost the shelter of God's provision. We call it naked ... exposed ... unclothed ... unsheltered ... vulnerable ... like we really are when we connect with one another in significant relationships. Most of the people I know, don't like vulnerable. I know I don't. I want to warm my hands, without exposing myself. I am unsure of shelters. I know that they easily fall down. Best to stand outside nearby and vigilant, warming my hands. It's hard to trust shelter . 5 February
Love complicates relationships. Yeah, that's what I said. It's easy to see what should happen in relationships where love isn't involved. I'm not even going to stop here, but I do believe that it's good to pull love out of the equation, think about it in that light, and temper the conclusions by factoring love back in. I absolutely love my people ... but love doesn't always take you to the most loving outcomes. 10 February
This is a time for waiting to see what's really going to happen. This is a time for composing myself ... 12 February
I thought of what is probably my word. Determine. Determine like figure out and determine like execute. 17 February
Some thing very different is going on with me. I'm trying some thing different. A different perspective for me ... which is "go with the flow". 20 February
To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.
Alan Watts - "The New Alchemy" (1958), Zen Buddhist
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha 21 February
Ice cream is serious business. I know how it feels to get home with a container that someone else has had their fingers in ... it ruins your day. 22 Feb
The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith Miller
I like that quote.
I like the light touch ... It reminds me of the story about a woman ever so lightly touching the robe that Christ wore. Under how many layers is my soul? Yes, I believe Christ is able to easily penetrate the layers ... Soothing, sealing the cracks. Gently, He pours His love 10 January
Shelter is a basic structure or building that provides cover
shel·ter (shltr)
n.
1.
a. Something that provides cover or protection, as from the weather.
b. A refuge; a haven.
c. An establishment that provides temporary housing for homeless people.
2. The state of being covered or protected.
Synonyms:
protector
sanctuary
safeguard
dwelling
guardian
preserve
retreat, asylum, sanctuary, shield, haven, harbor, cover, harbor, house, guard, safeguard, shield, defend.
Shelter n. - 1. something beneath, behind, or within which a person, animal, or thing is protected from storms, missiles, adverse conditions, etc.; refuge 10 January
am looking out my window, past the rose vine which is now covered with fragrant little pink blooms ... a mother bird is hidden in the vines, her nest resting on thorns, but she has carefully "feathered" it to support her objective. I'd like to know how many eggs she is caring for ... but it seems more important to let her do her job in peace! Can she smell the roses? Is she safe there hidden in open view? 6 April
I opened the window near my side of the bed sometime during the night like I usually do when the weather encourages it. This morning I sat up to see a female robin perched atop the hedge. I bet she is building her nest there in the holly bush. There is another nest going in the pink rose vine on my front porch. I wonder how many nests I might pull off of the engines of airplanes this season. That little robin tilted her head when she sensed me...ah, human...and she flew away. I wouldn't think of harming her - I enjoy her presence. She is wary of me whilst she builds in the sticker bush where snakes and cats might play. 2 May 10
I think we are all part of the plan, interwoven in the plan ... we all have our roles in a drama too large to see from here.
One of my most favorite things is getting to notice a person just doing the right thing. In my own tiny life I have benefited from people passing through just doing the right thing ... a tiny right thing can change a life. A tiny right thing ... so small ... maybe so casually offered that it goes unnoticed by the person doing it... 23 February
Today was a very nice day ... the sky was blue and the birds were singing ... two even flew up to inspect last year's nest left in the rose vine ... and a surprise that made me smile ... . 30 January
+Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
+It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
+Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
+It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. (?!? Interesting, but I disagree)
+It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Mark Twain quotes 23 February
Now, I am learning something about totally next generation trust. It is easier to trust God (or anyone) with something specific. Blanket trust is a lot harder. It's a lot harder for me to trust God right now ... when we have completed what I think of as our project. (The plastic is in my flight bag ...we must be mission accomplished.) I'm like, "Okay, thank you very much ... that was epic fun ... a real nail biter there! You rock ... thanks for your time and interest here ... good to go ... I've got it from here." It's hard for me to grapple with trust when I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be trusting about. 27 February
I do not know how to wait. I don't do wait ... . Wait feels inherently wrong to me. Wait feels like quit. Instead of wait (that ugliest of four letter words) I want to find another way. 8 March
These definitions shed a new light on the matter of waiting. This begins to feel more like just plain old good manners. Good manners I can do. I can wait my turn. 8 March
I am pretty stressed. And it's caused mostly by things that won't matter a few months from now. And it's caused mostly by things that are not within my control. 1 February
I believe telling the truth is important. People need to have confidence that what is being communicated is true. To me truth is foundational in any relationship. I think we have to be as truthful as possible with everyone all the time.
Sometimes I ask my husband something that is important to me and he says, "I'm not going to answer that." Of course, that does answer that. It's frustrating, but at least it's not a bold face lie. He doesn't want to say yes, but no would be a lie, so he avoids. Or maybe you could say he is protecting his boundaries. Aug'10
I am seldom alone, but frequently lonely. How does that happen? Aug'10
Now there is a lightning storm. The rumbling thunder woke me up. I like the sound of the waves washing in and out like a pulse. And then, another layer of sound, electrically charged growling. And now the wind sighing through these concrete towers. It's still dark so I can't see the clouds. All of the thunder is being generated from the West.
It's getting lighter now and I can see that this stuff is soupy all the way down. The lightning illuminates a continuous dome of white. Guess I better check the weather. Aug '10
That word, my word, determined, I've earned the right to choose a new word. Determined has so many other words attached to it ... Determined has brought me to here, and this is a good place, but maybe I can set determined aside. 15 March
I believe the time comes when we stand before God and give an accounting. I would really like to say to God " I did my best". Tonight I am asking God to show up and do His best.
It is a wonderful strange puzzling ... epic ... story. Here's this guy ten feet tall and bullet proof, living large ... and then folding ... and running for his life.
I've been thinking about all the lessons swirling around Elijah for several months now. I like that he "put himself out there" in service ... or maybe a better feel for it would be in submission to what God had planned for him. He had a full plate didn't he? I like to think of him mastering his human fears and pushing on. I like that,even for a guy like him, one day it was just too much ... . I like that God is like, Uhh, what are you doing Elijah? It's just funny to me. Elijah must have been pretty tired because, although he pulled it together and participated in some more of God's master plan, pretty soon in the Bible narrative he departs for a nice long break. I really like that he was on speaking terms with God ... and listening terms ... a real relationship. 23 February
“…before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World test everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. It’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.’” -Paulo Coehlo 17 March
Things continue to shift and pause momentary not meaningfully nothing one might begin to count on. Like an image inside a kaleidoscope the slightest nudge may dramatically alter the entire view. ... I feel more peaceful and centered then I ever remember feeling. I feel calmer in this place of more turmoil. When I feel " that " begin to spool up around me I remind myself not to fret. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn this way. I am grateful for the lessons and the teachers. Aug '10
... and be mindful of what you are actually reaching for ... 18 March
The Bach quote presents another ... entirely different perspective. Rather then standing here looking at the divergent paths ... streams ... whatever ... . The decision of the choice is styled from a different place ... the place where your objective is met ... there. This quote is so interesting as a carrier of an idea because it is the converse of my working philosophy ... backwards ... and more likely to get me to where I want to go right? 26 March
"Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love."
~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Martin Luther King, Jr. (Where's the love y'all? ... Black-eyed Peas)
"Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
17 Jan
Orion and I watched an airplane making it's way through the indigo velvet sky. A shooting star ... . Later, a salty mist blanketed the coast and I wrapped myself up tight in that green blanket/shawl that I drag around ... over fifty and suddenly partial to a green ba ba ...
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." - Denis Waitley
"Be kinder than necessary, for everone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ..." (unknown or James M Berrie) 23 March
Sunday night Thankful:
Great fun watching airplanes streak through the sky today ... Always special. 13 March
I realised this in the darkest part of the middle of the night ... Looking forward to dawn's earliest light. I am awake. Wide awake with a single thought: I'd so much rather have this hand full of ashes then an empty hand. I know in my heart that it's good when one has a dream, to reach your hand out blindly, as though through a cloud, in the direction of that dream. ... Ashes are good ... ashes remain after a fire runs its course. 25 March
"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you." - Marsha Norman 16 March
Something has happened to re-cycle my circuits, so to speak. I feel great! I didn't realize that I didn't feel great most of the time already. I've heard that we have a seven year cycle or a five year or whatever they say it is ... I do not know, but I do know I feel better about everything kind of all of a sudden. I can't put my finger on it ... I would really like to, but ... I'm willing to just go with it. It's feels sort of like I just trust that things are as they should be. Love that!!! 28 March
My brother said something today that I want to remember. He said something like: maturity can take you to a place where you just feel feel bad for the people who want to ding you ... 30 Mar
Life is ... very interesting. I actual like that it ... life ... isn't easy. How we negoiate difficult choices refines us. Is it like a refiner's fire ... the fires we chose? Or do they chose us? 30 March
I've been tired lately ... lately meaning this year. I feel rung out, but in a good way, like empty, but now serenely awaiting whatever comes next. I have enjoyed getting older ... I love the process of living.
I can see some of the needs in my own home ... that stress creates. I see also that I am more peaceful ... centered ... a more grown up me then I ever have been. I've begun to forget some of my broken pieces ... . God's work? Not sure, but it sure does seem to be. 1 April
The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack. ~Keith MillerBoy, that is a wonderful ... loving ...quote isn't it? 4 April
My intent is to recycle the material in to something wonderful. I have just about settled on the idea of sprinkling the colored glass and glazed pottery shards in gently swirling lines into wet concrete pathways ... when the concrete cures, the rough edges of these pieces will be sanded, or buffed out, smoothed ... soothed. It really can be quite unique ... quite complex and lovely ... like a life. I started saving these pieces before I imagined what might be created with them ... I didn't want broken things glued back together, unusable, but maybe still pretty if one didn't look too close. On the other hand ... many of the broken things still held memories and ... beauty, however reconfigured. ( I don't think significantly more things are broken in my house then in most any other homes ... especially a home that has nurtured five very active children. ... this isn't at all about mourning broken treasures ..) 4 April
Where I live, the birds wake up first and I hear them calling to each other or maybe they just wake up happy and are giving thanks for that. 4 April
...skip the often treacherous conditions confronted during the boot strap climb, skip the sore muscles, blisters rubbed raw, snapped pieces, frayed ends where a knot is now tied, cold shoulder frost icing over where something resembling love once warmed the heart, you know ... all that crappy stuff, skip the work/pain required by the climb ... and just fly there. 8 April
I've been awake now for about an hour and a half, so still under the covers listening to the fan (headphones are in another room or I'd be listening to music) and watching the pattern on my bedroom drapes appear. What will the day bring? I've been thinking about the things I'm thankful for. One "thankful" leads to another "thankful". The thankfuls intertwine ... Like the climbing rose I have so carefully trained to follow the roof line along the front porch to my home ... . 12 December
A schooner (so beautiful slicing through the water) would be too much boat for me to handle by myself ... I have an idea for a little hobi cat ... manageable and perfect for the Bay. The Bay ... where the water is smooth and no more then a few feet deep. (Yesterday, on the walk, AC/DC sang about swimming round and round in the deep end ... deep waters require a swimming buddy I believe.) It's fun to think about what seems to be just the thing ... a small boat so I can feel the wind in my hair ... 1 April
It's raining here ... lightning flashed and I enjoyed it during the night ... honestly I kind of love it ... the science of natural energy ... you don't get to see that everyday. I wasn't asleep. I was awake, thinking. It was after twelve when I pulled the covers up and slept briefly. 30 March
"You must have control of the authorship of your own destiny. The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand." ~Irene C. Kassorla 15 December
When things become difficult I get busy finding a way. Sometimes, "it" takes longer ...and I have learned this year that somethings are simply no gos and you gotta recognize that when you see it. Like that broken jar of peaches - I can't put glass shards back into a useful jar shape ... the peaches are lost ... somethings can't be undone. July '10
What were those five love languages? Time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts. That's my preferred order. Time given, when someone gives you their time, they've given you something that they don't get back. It's linear. I remember times shared. I am changed by the gift of someone's time. It's a big deal to me. When someone gives time and when I give time June '10
