Monday 4 April, at the beginning of this month, I made a note about recycling those broken pieces that we collect in our souls ... pieces left from broken dreams ... broken promises ... broken hearts maybe. 


Somewhere along the way the concept of broken pieces had evolved to include more then what is actually true for me ... in my soul.   I'm not talking exactly about my "ability to trust" ... as I journal here, but, I am able to see that some of the "thinking about" that I do here has helped ... I really like the way my trust is functioning now.  A lot of women have trust issues ... guys seem to do trust one hand shake at a time ... or at least trust is not so all incompassing as it seems to me to be for women ... (with apologies to my more enlightened sisters).   Well, that may not be a defendable stance, and I'm not trying to convince anyone here ... just saying, in my opinion, whatever one's perception of what "trust" is, trust seems to me to be an important part of our operating system ... and understanding the glitches in "our personal take on trust" seems to me to be ... a big deal.  I thought my ability to trust was ... shattered ... and ... that what was left of those pieces was beyond repair.  For a long time, I was okay with that idea.  I figured I would be fine trusting no one with anything truly important.  I figured it would minimize the big disappointments in life events.  I figured it would keep me from becoming bitter ... if one's expectations are adjusted, the opportunities to have the rug pulled out from under you are also minimized ... all trust related surprises become pleasant ones ... that's what I thought.  Along with that idea, I also believed myself to be ... trustworthy.  I've been pretty careful about saying what I mean, doing what I say ... making a few promises and keeping  them.  So ... my  "truster" was out of harmony. And ... I wanted to be able to trust God.  I figured I should work on trust as I journey towards God. 

A coupleof years ago, a close friend suggested that I Corinthians 13 would be a really helpful part of the scriptures for me to focus on as I went through "a time" in my life. I paraphrase those verses to this:

Protect,Trust,Hope,Persevere - LOVE

A lot of the journey journaled here on True North is viewed through that filter.  I am trying to do my walk with especially those words written in to my ways. 

Persevere has always been my forte ... I can see it as far back into my life as I can see.  You might even call it ... stubborn ... lol ... I am realizing that lately.  I am realizing that determined to persevere can be as detrimental as giving up.  Again ... probably about finding (through God)  appropriate balance.
Trust has always be my weakness.  I trust myself.  Lately, I have been sorely tempted to break a few promises.  Fortunately, I don't lean towards judgemental, but it has been an eye opening experience to see "there but for the grace of God go I", up close and personal.   


It has occurred to me recently, that determined is about what I can do for myself ... even as I say Christ strengthens me ... . I have noticed in all the religions I have had an opportunity to look at,  that even good people have a tendency to do their own stuff and call it God's stuff.  It's pretty hard to stay on track when the track is unknown and the guidance system is ... invisible.  Yeah, I know it comes with a manual, I call it the Bible, but even that Holy Book seems open to interpretation ... and we have all seen how messy that gets at times. I am methodically searching for the squelch on that "still small voice", surely it is co-located with the volume control!


Trusting myself seems to me to be ... okay ... a place to start ... a benchmark maybe.  I have some control over my actions and can at least remain trustworthy.  Right?  I've busted my butt standing on the trust rug where other's actions speak so much louder then their words ... not whining ... we've all been there.  Not always that big a deal.  But for me ... over time ... my trust became so busted that I couldn't get the pieces back together good enough to even trust God ... who I know is ++worthy of trust.  

It seemed to me that ... for me ... a right relationship with God hinged on ... trust.  Trusting God takes the "I" and the "Myself" out of the relationship. Our relationships with the people in our lives distort and/or enhance our ability to experience a right relationship with God ... .  I know what I mean ... maybe I am not expressing it well.


I've had a few wonderful experiences lately with what it feels like to me, for me, to trust.  I like it ... I like how it feels a lot.  It makes me feel safe.  It makes me feel ... protected.  It makes hope ... a foregone conclusion ... hope is a piece of cake when trust is operating ... protected, persevering ... not a problem when trust is in sync.  It radiates little golden pieces of cherished through me.  It's a little bit like having a buddy offer to scrub that spot on your back that you have never been able to reach ....  That was what made that day feel so amazing last week.  I had a little tutorial on what I feel like when stuff lines up.  Real world circumstances don't often allow stuff to line up though ... .  Life has a lot of catch 22s.  I am very very happy to have had the opportunity ... however ephemeral the experience. 
It gave me an opportunity to see myself ... unbroken.  New even ... .  me ... sleek ... airworthy.  It felt like my soul was flying. It was a surreal experience with practical applications.  wonderWings  (see blog list if you're interested) has been looking at I and II Corinthians, and is thinking there about some of the same things I've been thinking about here. It's interesting to see different perspectives on parallel processes. 

2 Corinthians 10:3-4 (NLT)
We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. [4] We use God's mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.
(Here's where he was on Wednesday this week.)

That's where I am also ... .  Our spiritual journey (and I believe we are all on one whether we acknowledge it or not) is out here in the human realm ... where flesh and blood  ... human reasoning and false arguments ... selfish wants ... human frailties ... all that stuff we deal with on an intimate level ... Where all that stuff seems more real then what is eternally real. 

My friends read this blog and then they call ... I know they will ask me if I am okay after reading this.  I am okay.  Don't call and ask that.  I am right in the middle of one of those things that we all go through ... a catch 22 ... that spot on my back that I can not reach is calling out to me!  I would really like some stuff to line up! I would really like for God to ... give me a break. It's been a rough several months. I feel like I am learning bunches of awesome stuff, but I am tired ... I feel those human frailities and I want what I want!

I'm not even going to re-read that right now ... .

I was at the beach earlier this week ... perfect place at the perfect time.  I kept my shoes on inside the house and showered rather then the big soak baths that I love ... the abrasiveness of the sand was minimized by those choices. 
Yesterday, my oldest son, One, hugged everyone goodbye and drove off with my brother and my sister -he-chose-for-me towards law school ... I told One I was really hoping for a dentist as I parented him ... lol, he knows I was teasing ... it's very rewarding to see them finding their own way to the lifes they will live.