My husband stopped wearing his wedding ring in December. Taking off his wedding ring was his response to my statement that I thought we should see his choice of marriage counselors or get a divorce. I said the D word. We basically stopped going to church in December too. I feel like I can't think right about this. I know what I would think if any one else said their husband took his wedding ring off. I know what that means but I ... My nature pushes me towards wanting to fix things. I want to look at what's right. I want to look at the big pieces and see what might be created from them. In my garage there is a bin of broken pottery. I think maybe there is a mosaic table top in that bin. Something useful, possibly beautiful. That is what wakes me up a night. I don't think about it. I am not happy with myself for not facing this but it just doesn't seem to be the right time to do so. My marriage has cancer. I am swamped by my grief. It curls around me when I sleep.
Tonight I told him that I won't be asking him to put his ring back on and that I see it as a passive aggressive game. I told him that it couldn't hurt me more than it already has and that the damage of that couldn't be undone. I calmly said that the ring is more than a symbol of our vows that it also means something to our family. I told him that I can't imagine the reprecussions for our children. What am I modeling for them? I'm waiting for the mud to settle on this. I can't see the way. He asserts that I should just trust him. It's hard to trust a man who would take off his wedding ring. The weight of pretending that everything will be okay is a difficult load.
Tonight, when I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I took off my ring. I wanted to see how it feels. My hand looks vunerable with it's tiny white indention on the finger. My hand is shaking.
This problem, whatever it is, is the problem that informs my life. I am trying to do whatever I am supposed to do in response to this problem. I think the most difficult part for me is fretting that I shoulda done this or that. Those shouldas nip at me. I am trying to hold tight to the idea that my main should have is the should have done my best and I am confident that I am doing my best. It grinds on me that my best doesn't seem to be bearing results. And then I think of the story of someone's thumb plugging the hole in the dam. I believe the time comes when we stand before God and give an accounting. I would really like to say to God " I did my best". Tonight I am asking God to show up and do His best.
04.16.11
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