Sunday ... Monday ... I felt fabulous. Tuesday ... Not so great. Wednesday ... Thursday ... I can hear the birds singing, but I have to prompt myself ... birds calling to each other is a really good thing ... Something to enjoy. My husband has been out of town these last few days ... He is very puzzled by my "ups" and "downs" ... Until recently I have not been a moody person. Mostly, I've disciplined myself to focus on those things I can be so thankful for ... And there are so many. Now, it's like everything is in black and white, and I'm just too unable to try to retune for color ... . Today, I'm going to the beach ... I'm thinking about how unpleasant the sand that invariable gets tracked in feels underfoot ... Or lingering in the bathtub ... The abrasive aftermath of those strolls in the surf that I love so much. "Remember Monday?" my husband said on the phone last evening "... Whatever that was on Monday ... Go back to that". After all these years of being so steady ... I am having a few ups and downs. He calls it "cycling". "Why are you cycling?", he asks. We've been married for thirty years now ... Short one week. He really doesn't want to know what's up and down with me ... He just doesn't have any idea what to do with his up and suddenly down wife. It is so unlike me. I don't know quite what to do with myself ... Which is totally new territory for me. I'm one of those people who knows what to do ... And does it. "Monday" is gone. I do not mourn that. It was a really good day but I wouldn't want to get stuck there. You can't do all your living in one day.

My lap top is acting weird. ... The back up laptop has a sad case of someone accidentally spilled water into the keyboard. Yesterday morning I got everything ready to do a post on the materials list for PVT ground. I'm not so far away from "determined" that I have forgotten the value of just putting one foot in front of the other and walking with my head up towards what comes next. On the other hand, I'm not so familiar with "amazed" that I can really know how to live it ... On this little iPhone keyboard it's impossible to open a tab and find that quote I like about happiness can not be traveled to ... It is the product of living in a state of grace and gratitude. Something like that. I truly don't want to look back at "Monday". Monday is over ... I'm a looking ahead kinda girl.
I'm looking for a little "amazed" ... I am certain that it is swirling nearby. I'm doing my best. That in itself is amazing because it's so true. I'm asking God to do His best too. You gotta have a little help when you set aside your "determined" and dive headlong into "amazing". I need a little amazing grace. I deleted the monday app ... Don't know the password to reinstall ... I knew that when I tapped the X.

I didn't know what else would be really right to do ... So I just started falling backwards ... And I am absolutely certain that God will catch me ... It's the sensation of falling that is so terrifyingly unfamiliar.

Beach ... Visiting family ... Anniversary trip.