It's like

Spring Break is next week. We have a nice place all set up and those of my family who are going are very excited. "Just a few more days!" they say smiling. Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet life.
I, who have been doing a great job of compartmentalizing "everything" over the years, am having trouble with mood management. This isn't physiological. Yes, walking the dog for hours on end helps, but it's been raining here. He's on the back porch barking at who knows what ...I'm inside doing pretty much the same thing.  I could go help teach English today - turns out they need help every Thursday and Friday. I wouldn't be good company today though ... today I don't feel like smiling encouragingly at foreigners. Today I'm wondering why this country is being over run by people who can't speak the language. The irony is that they are here chasing their dreams ... You'd really think that I would "get" that.
I seem to be back to the only possibility of work ... the kind of work I want to do ... being at just the one place. 'Cept that place isn't hiring. Not just not hiring me, not hiring anyone. People are matriculating out, but there seems to be an unstated hiring freeze. Leadership is in flux. I was seated beside someone up the food chain at one of L's events this week. Everybody thinks it's remarkable that a woman like me has accomplished this unusual feat. This guy was subtly telling me that changes are underway. I already knew that. I've already heard that from a couple of others who are definitely in position to know. No one can say what the changes are, my impression is that while some decisions have been made and have a ticking timer on them, other, more important decisions have not been made yet. This guy said there is a huge push to make things better for the CFIs (the question of what that means exactly was left unasked by me).  The decision makers are collecting recommendations ... there's grease on the wheels.
It makes me feel better to think about that.
I have been working my way through that box of books on aviators. I had hoped to find a woman aviator in the bunch whom I could relate to. Chuck Yeager's wife is by far my favorite female and maybe favorite person of the bunch so far. She shows a lot if resilience and just plain old common sense ... I don't think he undervalued her role in his ability to get out there and get his job done.
In some ways I am very proud of myself for how I've handled this job thing. My husband is incorrect about accomplishing my objective. The objective never was to acquire another certificate. If I just wanted a challenge, I would have diversified. The objective was to work as a flight instructor ... full time. This feels like all dressed up in the prettiest dress but shut out at the door to the dance. I hear the music ... they're playing my favorite song.
A few days ago I read about a fighter pilot who fired his guns, outran the bullets, and shot himself down. I've done a good job of not shooting my mouth off. I fuss here some, but the truth is I recognize that "a person" is not responsible for blocking me from instructing. If I believed one guy stood at that door I would have already found a way. As I read back, and think back, I can see that guy who blocked the way for me completing "in house", but I also see that trip to a different environment as "all good", as very affirming. I wanted my sign off from FI - that was sacrificed, but it's just ink. (It was a honor to work with him ... I've worked with and beside some truly great instructors.)  I'm proud that my little ticket was issued via the ATL FSDO. It was cut and dry and no one can credibly say otherwise. Let him, that guy, piss in the storm that's blowing ... I'm not going to get wet either way.
This week I'm going to tuck in here at home. I never did clean that closet under the stairs ... I really will get a couple of good head bumps in there, and I've put them off in favor of other tasks around the house.  There is plenty to do here today and some of it is even rewarding. Then we go to the beach. At the beach I am going to think about what the best things I can do while I wait are ... Then I'm going to do them.  Keeping up with the material is important. I haven't opened the PHAK much in the past five months ... same thing with the 2011 regs ... here we are at the end of the first quarter and I haven't broken the paperback spine on it yet. When I do get my interview I want to look sharp. ... Not all whiny and stressed out like I feel just now.

And now I'm going to crank up some tunes.