"As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you." ~Elizabeth Gilbert

Something truly amazing just happened ... I know before I even try to capture it here that I will be unable to. But I know it is important to try ... silly as it may seem to a reader, it makes perfect sense to me ... perfect sense on a day when so many other things do not (but only for now ... this point in time when I can not process this because I am focusing on that. Sometimes you just gotta fly on up before you trouble shoot your troubles). Okay, so here it is:

I am one headset short today ... both pax are non pilots and I have only two headsets, so I called a buddy to borrow. I thought to drive my jeep ... a fun car ... it reminds me a bit of a little airplane, you feel everything in a jeep wrangler and I am all about good clean fun and loading up on more immediate inputs to a mind that needs altitude.

Some sneaky naughty someone left a cigarette and a bic lighter in the jeep. I light that little bad boy up and smoked it. Hahaha, I do not smoke. I did. I smoked routinely back in the days of my mis-spent youth. Now, until this one little indulgence, I have not smoked in probably 20 years. Smoking is a poor choice no matter what angle you may come at it from ... I know that. I remember how it was for me when I quit ... I didn't want to quit. I don't allow myself the opportunity to do many obviously wrong things. I think it is stupid to self destruct. I wasn't thinking about smoking like that when I first became addicted to nicotine. I was thinking mostly about my bad self ... and the rush. Today, I wondered if I might feel just a freaking tiny little buzz ... . I remembered how I used to hide in the bathroom to smoke ... hahaha, too funny, because that little hidden pleasure soaked through my clothes, all the way through my hair, and down in to the pores of my skin. That little hidden pleasure was apparent to everyone close to me ... I stunk, and I made the bathroom stink too. I slowly became a casual smoker, lighting up when ever and where ever I wanted to. I used to be some one who pretty much did what she wanted to ... sure, I was brand loyal, but that was the only constraint I adhered to (on the smoking thing). I would wake up thinking about a cigarette ... and go to bed after the last one of the day.
I didn't want to quit ... and saw absolutely no reason to do so ... this was my naughty thing. And then ... I saw the message that me smoking would send to my kids. I was addicted and it was sheer hell to quit ... they say it is more difficult to quit smoking then it is to get off heroin ... I don't know about stuff like that, thank God. I quit. Quitting gave me a tangible gift ... it made me think I could probably do anything ... maybe even fly.

But today opportunity hooked up with need ... serendipitously. What do you think happened? My fingers remembered how to hold the cigarette, and it felt really good. I put it to my lips wondering if I would remember how to flick the bic so to speak ... yep, like a pro. Tiny little inhale and I shift in to third ... look at this ... no hands. It's the small things when you don't get out much like I don't!
"Well, it tastes like shit"
('cuse the language ... that's what I thought) I think to myself, but it's just not my brand ... I know where to get them though ... . Another puff ... bigger ... and another ... I'm wondering when the buzz is going to kick in.
It didn't.
I tried ... but it just wasn't what I was thinking it might be ... I see smokers ... the smoke around them smells really good to me ... it looks like fun.
I thought I was going to throw up! Seriously, my auto cool circuit flashed. I tossed it out the window ... the jeep doesn't even have an ashtray! How can I think I might be able to drive around smoking ... when I don't even have a place to responsibly dispose of the ashes? (Oh yeah ... minor problem) I felt the yuk from that cigarette all the way down to the bottom of my lovely clean lungs ... it burned as the gunk coated. I came straight home to scour my teeth ... ugh ... not naughty ... nasty ... not the fun kind of nasty ... nasty nasty. It's in my hair still ... I have to go take care of that little mess.

Lesson learned. Amazing.