“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”
... “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here ..."
One thing I know about for sure is the words people will wrap around loss ... when people are at a loss for words, words still seem to leak out. People say words that seem to rest as though in a little nest in your psyche until later ... when you are less stunned by your loss ... those words take flight, and you wonder where they came from ... unbidden. Honestly, but not unkindly, it really is best to say nothing when you don't know what to say. Words ... are meaningful. I am amazed at our capacity to store words ... and I am amazed at how those words can dance in the sunshine like little acrobatic fliers and then hanger themselves for when you're hungry for the sight of them again. If you say words ... make them good words ... goodbye words should always be good (lol).
The words that I put in italics above ... lifted from Eat, Pray, Love are ... I think good words. Good advice on how to deal with a loss.
It's hard to accept a loss ... not because you won't, but because you just can't quite ... Our soul was designed for eternal mode ... this temporal stuff is a bit of a shock to the soul, I think. Loss happens when you begin to accept that something important ... that you think/feel is important ... maybe a place where your very soul is exposed ... is gone, or has changed in to something else ... or just gone really, it's just hard to say the words. Time dulls the pain of loss ... and the soul has another point at which it may choose to grow ... a place where something is lost, and something is gained.
The Red Sea book I thumbed through a few days ago pretty much makes the same point ... you're ok where you're at ... yeah something that makes you feel bad is about, but focus on the potential for a bigger picture, you're not alone... God is near with light and love ... pray, be still, give God time to work ... don't get bogged down ... let the presence of God envelope you, shelter you ... Trust/Faith, now's the time to exercise those (and they will increase through this very experience ... which is the part that totally rocks ... okay, and kinda sucks too, because you're going to need more for the next "building" experience ... which is kinda cool, because ... hahaha ... I did say I wanted to live large ... what a ride ... I asked for this ...) and then ... live a life that praises the creator. Yeah ... I think that is truly the bottom line.
My Dad died around Spring Break during my junior year of college. After the funeral, I went back to school and just didn't think about it ... at all. I couldn't process his death ... he couldn't possibly be ... not there ... somewhere. I was already saturated by one loss after another ... this one was ... too much. I told myself that I could just not think about it for a few months ... get through the semester ... make arrangements for the summer ... no need to go home ... and I didn't go home again. Momma sold our home. When I visited her at Christmas that year, she had already relocated and there was nothing (really nothing) familiar in her new place. At twenty something, I didn't know that you actually never lose someone who you let become important to you ... so be careful of who they are ... (but not too 'fraidycat careful ... the people you love are all part and participant of the building and polishing of your soul).
So, if that's true, loss is not lost, but just different ... changed. A change of state. Now I'm thinking about weather ... summer storms and how difficult they are to negotiate ... compellingly beautiful yet dangerous ... and necessary for the benefits that fall with each tiny little drop of rain.
I'm thinking about what is probably the natural progression of relationships ... They change. Like just about everything. Even this long term relationship I've enjoyed with "flight" ... I fell in love with it thinking it was one thing and that I would put "this" in to it and get "something like this" out of it. I was incorrect. It took a lot more and gave immeasurably more ... I probably wouldn't have taken the first flight if I understood the costs involved ... There is absolutely no way to quantify the joy ... .
It's not what I thought it would be ... I am coming to grips with that. I am grieving a loss of hope. I did everything I was supposed to do, and I did those things with my whole heart ... Totally committed ... Totally "all in". Along the way, I became aware that "it" wasn't what I thought I had signed on for ... but ... super important things in life are usually too big for one to see the whole picture. You adapt as the story you are co-authoring unfolds. Yeah ... I'm not really thinking about flying at all. I'm thinking about choices ... complex, complicated by all the variables and unknowns.
Well ... that's what'sup here. Sammy is up on his hind legs peering in at me ... he doesn't think much of this blog time. I better walk him before the sun gets too high ... he may need a little SPF sprayed on as it is.
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