I begin to understand the loop dream now. I begin to understand both of those dreams ... and they are both good dreams. I didn't understand them, but I felt that they must be significant ... not because I place bunches of importance on dreams, but because these were remembered in such detail ... and the accompanying emotions and thoughts were so easily at hand.
I knew they were companion dreams. The first supported the second. They had in common an element of unguarded trust ... Trust was very apparently not an issue. Both were played out in ... not my ride ... Some one else was "in-charge" and that was of no concern to me at all ... aka, no "other seat critique". Just to note here ...I frequently, and for as far back as I can recall, have anxiety dreams involving run away ... or driverless... or driver sitting in backseat ... or no breaks ... or unable to steer ... or ... kinda goes on and on ... but always cars that the driver is not in control of ... and I am not the driver in these dreams. I have been a passenger in several different car wrecks ... I have lost family and friends in car wrecks ... I am an extremely careful driver ... I love to drive as fast as possible when I deem it safe, but I watch myself very closely ... and I am very vigilant about the drivers anywhere near me. I have taught four of my five children how to drive ... always beginning with a manual transmission, because I think that's the best way to start out ... automatic transmissions have come a long ways ... and I may be the only person I know who thinks the dual transmission ... is that what they call it? ... the paddle in some of the new sports cars? ... well honestly, I know nothing about it really but I have already decided it's wussy. Sports cars must have manual transmissions to be sports cars ... that's what I think. I can not recall a single dream where I was the driver. Car ride dreams have always been anxiety dreams for me. That's one of the strange things about the first dream.
Briefly ... the first dream began somewhere mid-ride ... it was a nice ride in a cool old truck ... nice scenery outside (must have been Texas) the driver was a trusted friend ... I don't know where we were headed or why I was there ... everything seemed perfectly normal ... chilled out. In the first dream I was stunned when the driver slammed on the breaks and jumped out of the truck. I tried to get out of the vehicle ...but was stuck inside where I tidied everything up and then just sat there. The driver disappeared ... and never returned. The dream ended with me still just sitting there. The only anxiety for me in the dream was in regards to the driver's state ... sudden erratic behavior followed by the physical pain from throwing himself on the ground ... then anger ... then just gone. It was weird. It didn't occur to me in the dream to look for my own door pull ... on the passenger side and as I wrote when I first noted this, I was unable to get out of the truck. I was concerned about the driver,but I felt calm ... and okay to wait. (In real life ... I don't wait so well ... I just don't. I have to plan ahead when a wait is involved ... have a book to read or something so I'm not waiting, I'm reading.) I had just about accepted the idea that this dream was about waiting ... learning to wait well. (Even though I really think staying busy while one waits is about as good as waiting gets.)
The loop dream was very similar. It's makes me laugh as I analyze it almost a year later ... Again I assumed it was about "waiting" ... That's what my husband said about those dreams and I just assumed he was correct ... He's really smart.
I have really been thinking about the whole wait for this or that idea ... it may sound incongruent, but I am a very patient person, raising children has done that for me. Waiting and patience are not the same thing. I think these dreams are both about trust ... which is an area I have wanted to get stronger in. And, because important people in my life have died ... suddenly ... I have a few issues with abandonment. (Also ... I never talk about this but I will note it now; my mother is a depression era baby ... She was conceived out of wedlock and unfortunately bares many scars due to that ... she specifically suffers from abandonment issues. I understand how a girl child ... me ... inherited part of her load. It makes it possible for me to feel compassionate towards my momma. Poor momma ... She very well may have done her best by me. She, unfortunately, constantly made me feel that I would have to earn my spot of shelter at her discretion ... that is exactly how she was raised by her caregivers. I stay out of her way as always, but I love her ... I understand. This isn't about momma ... It's about the constant threat of being abandoned ... left somewhere. I was afraid as a child ... I was safe with my dad but scared of my mom. Daddy was away a lot though ... As dads are ... And my mom reminded me of that often. It transferred to feeling like God was also pretty absent. Like God would abandon me. Now I know better. ... So where was I? Loop dream.
The dream started in a vehicle that I am very comfortable in ... an airplane. This is an only dream I've ever had where I was flying with someone else also in the plane acting as a pilot. He was the flying pilot as the dream began and although he was not an old friend like the buddy in the first dream seemed to be, trust was never an issue. I trusted him implicitly. He demonstrated his coolness and authority with the airplane with the loop. He also keep his own council and I was okay with that. I felt no qualms at all ... no anxiety during the flight at all ... even when I thought I might die, there was no sense of panic or really even concern. I was a bit relieved in the dream when he passed the controls over to me, and I began to fly the flight plan he'd put in ... he was still calling the shots on the trip, but I was actively engaged as well. It's funny as I look at the actual circumstances in the dream ... At no point did I experience anxiety with the flight ... nor with the pilot during the flight. My anxiety kicked in at the point of abandonment (what in the world is going on I wondered as he ran away)... Not where death seemed a possibility! Death should be worse! Silly girl!!! I actually liked the loop ... and the little rush ... I like loops and barrel rolls in real life. In the dream I was impressed with the pilot's skill and attention to detail ... he controlled the plane extremely well ... beautifully ... good stick and also safe ... smart ... yes, it was showing off, but I would be working towards that level of assured confidence in my ability to fly my plane ... I admired the show. I like to be impressed.
Anyway ... The dream ended with me being ... confused and a bit annoyed at my confusion, but not distressed ... . Maybe he would show up when he finished kicking clods ... or not ...idk. A pitcher of lemonade would be enough to share ... I sat down and started looking out for myself, but not in a peeved way.
I didn't understand his actions once we landed where he intended us to land. In that dream the "driver" did not disappear. His actions took me by surprise, like in the first dream but ... it wasn't so weird as just disappearing like the first dream ... .
In both weird little dreams ... trust was never in doubt ... maybe it might have been, but it wasn't. In both dreams I seemed to be suddenly abandoned ... that should definitely ping the trust switch, but I felt calm ... okay about it. When you trust someone you just trust them to make the best decisions with the information they are working with ... and I accepted that I didn't have all the info. I was initially confused, because I didn't understand, but I quickly just relaxed back in to trusting. It felt good in both dreams to just chill. I felt like everything was under control and would work out as it was supposed to with out me doing anything myself. Neither dream began at a beginning nor did they end at an ending ... both were looks at the middle of a little story. Maybe I will enjoy time with these trust buddies again in another dream, maybe not. I like the lessons learned as demonstrated in these dreams.
That is how I want to trust God. When I can "see" Him ... when I understand, or think I understand what is going on, it's gotten easier to trust Him. When stuff happens that doesn't make sense ... or He seems to disappear all together ... I think I'm realizing that I can still trust Him. He sees the big picture ... He cares about me, whether I can see that or not ... I can trust Him. His actions sometimes seem pretty hard to interpret, but He doesn't have to explain everything to me for me to trust Him. That is a big step in the right direction for me spiritually speaking.
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