Me ... painting

Me ... painting ... interesting how different the light is ...  these were taken side by side with only a prompt to smile in between.  The wall color is truer in the top photo.  When we were looking at these I noticed that I need to have my bangs trimmed ... bangs are such a nuisance, they always need trimmed ... my hair is down to my waist and I'm starting to think about a major haircut ... .  Ponytailed guy at the earthfare grocer talked to me about "wigs for kids" ... I have previously donated mine to "locks of love", though not lately.

My husband said the walls look very nice and he is so happy for me that I get to paint ... I spend these days painting and I will tell the secret here ... I don't love to paint walls or doors or trim molding.  I have run out of interesting things to think about while I paint ... and now I reflect on how it seems like most commercial painters are pot heads ... and I wonder which came first, the mindless occupation or the dope.

Two was chatting with me ... well, back up ... the girls said I don't look happy (in these pictures) and I can see that is true, but I don't think every moment of everyday is a happy one, in fact, I think "happy" is quite rare.  I can do the high voltage fake smile, but ... .  Was it about this time last year that my husband encouraged me to lock on to whatever it was that had me sparkling.  Last year we were just a handful of months away from hopping in to the basket where I had placed all my eggs ... that didn't go as expected, and now I am adapting to where I should have been all along ... here ... now.

• "There is one thing we can do, and the happiest people are those who can do it to the limit of their ability.  We can be completely present.   We can be all here.  We can give all our attention to the opportunity before us." Mark Van Doren  (1894-1972) poet, author, American professor
• "It is a mistake to look too far ahead.  The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." Sir Winston Churchill
• "But man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with reverted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present above time." Ralph Waldo Emerson ("Self Reliance" an essay 1841)
• “The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so." Blaise Pascal (1623-1662); French mathematician & philosopher 

So ...Two, a psychology major, observed from the other room after the little sisters were off doing other things ... "Mom, you are like a zen master at denial."  I know what she thinks she sees, but I also know that happy is not written on every page of every story.  Happy finds us, not the other way around ... and it seems to me that the best one might do is avoid ... well, here it is:

Last summer I saw tiny blue butterflies on the Appalachian Trail ... just occasionally.  They were so beautiful, delicate and ... perfect, blue grey like my new wall paint ... a favorite color of mine.  We would be trudging over rocks, carefully planting feet to avoid twisted ankles or worse yet, nasty falls, and suddenly, just like joy, these little butterflies would appear.  I never really captured a good shot of them, but I tried and tried.  I had to stay on the trail and wait for them to come to me, and every once in awhile one did pass within my view.  One day, we followed the trail up to where a series of waterfalls filled the air with humidity.  I scooted out over the water on the jutting rocks ... I just wanted to feel the water rushing through, down to a pool and then another drop.  The rocks were patchy with slime, but I figured it would be okay, I held on to a flexible branch of a secure tree and slowly shimmied out to a safe place to sit and take it all in.  Suddenly, a cloud of those tiny butterflies flitted all around.  

That ... seems to me ... to be the way of happiness ... the kind of happiness that feds a soul rather then the tiny glimpse of happiness promised if only we give chase.  

We walk our path mindful ... a bit carefully ... making the best choices we are able to make ... enjoying all the good and all the beauty around, and it is all around if one looks for it.  Heck yeah, there are snakes ... and bears ... and briars ... and rocks ... and bugs and all kinds of undesirables (my husband slipped on a spot and lost a tooth ... there are slippery spots ... all kinds of potential uh-ohs abound). 

... avoid chasing flittering butterflies.  I sat still, where they like to be, and they enveloped me.  Chasing them would have taken me off my chosen path ... .  My path, unexpectedly, no way I coulda planned for that experience ... my path took me to a spot where I could sit still ... being totally me ... carefully situated on an outcropping to feel the rush ... and what I hoped to see was magnificently eclipsed by so much more then I knew to hope for.

I can't reach out for a handful of that kind of happy ... that's just not the way it works.  The thing is, life is like that.  Sometimes you just gotta do the hard work of one foot in front of the other.  It's not a head buried in the sand sort of denial, it's more like head down looking for footings ... on the path you know to walk ... and you are mindful of the tangles and potential pitfalls, but you're spending your energy looking for tiny delights that only you may see, and only if you're looking ... and then, there are the butterflies ... tiny laughing surprises, and maybe occassionally even whole vistas, overlaying "sparkle"everywhere you look.

from photo bucket
they looked like this