I can't quite shake the idea of "shelter". I am thinking about it within the context of relationships, primarily spousal, but also in the intangible relationship with God. It just seems to linger, bobbing up and down in my consciousness.

We are at that time when we, my brother and I , would like to help our mother prepare for the next stage of her life. My mom does not subscribe to the notion of relationships as shelters, havens, refuges. She sees relationships as more like a credit card ... swipe it to get what you want, instantly ... it's magic and someone else will pay the bill on it ... or not ... it doesn't seem to matter to her because there seems to be another one ready when that one is used up. She is at that point where her line of credit (to continue the analogy) is just about kaput ... and that will be a huge shock to her. She didn't figure out that people are important. She didn't subscribe to the notion of the golden rule. I feel bad for her.

So, shelter. I've been reading about what researcher have to say about our need for relationships. What motivates us to form and maintain relationships with each other? It's been pretty interesting reading. They say we fall into two basic groups. One grouping is that people rely on relationships to help regulate feelings about themselves, in other words ... self esteem. The other is a desire for closeness or belonging.

I've just started reading on this topic this month, so I imagine there will be other theories that seem interesting to think about too, but I definitely see the validity of these two ideas. For me, the self esteem route seems to be the less preferred ... in my heart, I know I believe that no on gets to tell me who I am ... I have to tell myself that. Yes, it feels good to be appreciated or to have someone say they are proud of this or that ... it strikes me as strange to hear someone say "I am proud of you". I never say that to my children or my husband because on one hand it seems manipulative ... here's your cookie ... and on the other hand their accomplishments are their own, supported by the family, but because of their efforts ... I say I am proud for you. We didn't get very much feed back on accomplishments growing up. Maybe that is why I don't get much out of praise from others. It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable to tell the truth. I do like to know if a meal is pleasing to my people, but that's more about repeating the menu or not ... or if my husband notices something I would want to do that again. In flight training I didn't like to hear praise ... FI would say "You get the apple today for that" or "You keep this up and you'll be owing me a bag of apples." ... yeah ... he kept apples. It was like a challenge or maybe a trophy ... I like competing (and against myself is my favorite). I believe our self esteem is supposed to come from doing what we think God wants us to do. I think we will answer to him and I think we may as well get started with that ... it's not like we don't have a few clues about how we are supposed to act (ie ... treat people how you would like to be treated ... love) I do care about what others think ... it's just not a primary button for me.
Desire for closeness or belonging is important for me. This might be the reason why this idea of shelter resonates so clearly with me. And again, I am not thinking strictly of four walls or even a whole country ... I am thinking about a place where you know there will be a soft landing at the end of the day. I am thinking about a place or sense of place ... I am thinking about an emotional space where cows will not bump your walls down ... a place where you can imagine hearing the stars sing. I guess that is why family is so important to me. I want them to be assured of the shelter that my promises to them provide. I think that is a large part of how I see my friendships too ... closeness is what I value. I am learning to distinguish another group called buddy. Buddies are people you look out for and share fun with, but buddies don't get in your heart. Buddies are not that close ... maybe close enough for an umbrella and a shared meal, but if you shelter them, it is as quests only.

My husband thinks these two groupings may be gender specific. I am thinking about that, but I doubt it. I think I have noticed that a man stays a boy until he is able to offer and receive shelter from another. Seems like a lot of guys see shelter as their job ... capital/cash shelters. I think I know less about girls, so I won't make a companion statement there. It is probably too big a risk to stake your shelter on another person ... I counsel my daughters (and sons)towards the ability to earn a living for themselves ... that other, intangible shelter, is even more fragile and fraught with risk ... but life is a lot fuller when it is shared.

Seems like most of us are wired for companionship, whether for closeness, affirmation, or measures of both. I have a new (to me) quote that I remember here and I'll try to find it ... sure, here it is:

"I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not only expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is the appointed consumation." ~C.S. Lewis

The quote seems to wrap the two ideas together.