The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Can you believe that it is quiet in a home that houses so many? The hum of the air-conditioner pushes on me. I send my husband a text ... Thank you for working so hard that I can take an air-conditioned house for granted .... My youngest is luxuriating in some sleep late. I don't like to go back to bed once I've gotten up ... and, I am sleeping better, maybe better then ever ... there is a ten dollar box fan blowing all the little wake up sounds away. Sam is sitting here trying to nudge my hand off the keyboard and just anywhere around his ears ... Sammy boy will doze off and on all day long ... right now he thinks he sees an uninterrupted shot at my attention.

That dog is a freaking genius ... unable, or unwilling, to speak, he somehow got me to stop my quiet time, and cook him some bacon gravy ... He is out on the back porch nudging his food bowl now.

One of those books I ordered is titled: one thousand gifts A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are. Honestly, I am intrigued by the title. Anyone who really really knows the me I keep hidden from view, knows I am a sucker for an elegant dare. Yeah, not just any little punk dare, but there is something about the truly audacious that overrides my normally quite thoughtful, staid (as in not flighty or capricious) demeanor ... . You don't grow up wearing smocked dresses and Mary Janes to elementary school without knowing how to mind your P&Qs.
I have been thinking about my mother lately. Those dresses were hand smocked. With the embroidery thread she would stitch out my whole name ... all twenty two letters of it ... into the hem or under the collar, back near the little pearl button. Boy ... Sitting here remembering and trying to see it through her eyes ... I wonder if I have really forgiven her for not forgiving me ... . She had only one daughter to carve into the image she had in mind to bear all twenty two letters of that carefully chosen name. Hmmm ... As likely as not, I would come home from school with a tear in my (her) dress where it had gotten snagged ... I wasn't mindful of staying on the sidewalks ... I needed to see what was rustling the hedgerow ... I was already dreaming about the day I would fly. She had only one chance to create a perfectly pink childhood ... . Everyday, the pink hair ribbons came home crumpled up ... stained with playground dirt and scraped knee blood. Boy ... How did she end up with just me? That must have been on her mind a lot ... she said I was my father's daughter. Here we are so many opportunities later, and the only thing I can think of that we have in common is ... we both love her son, my brother. I think of her everyday but call her only maybe twice a month. Surely I can do better then that.
I lied to my little girl this morning ... Sammy's isn't the only nose that perks up at the smell of bacon. I show her how much flour goes in the skillet and ask her to get the milk out ... she asked me who taught me how to make gravy ... I said, "I think it must have been my momma." I just said that ... I know it wasn't my momma who taught me how to make gravy. I need to forgive her for being not the mother I think I shoulda had ... If for no other reason, I need to forgive her as an acknowledgement of what I say I believe. I say God doesn't make mistakes ... But I seem to secretly, deep in my soul ... where I haven't seen it before ... I act like I think maybe he does make mistakes. ... Sounds pretty bad said like that.

So ... that bucket list ... I really do think the movie is sweet. I like the idea of having a few things in mind that would be fun to do. I think it's interesting to see where one's interests might lead them, were they free to meander. But ... this notion of dare to live fully right where you are ... ... has captured my imagination. I like the challenge encased within that dare. I think it's okay to be energized by that particular dare ... an adventure for growing my soul. I haven't read far enough in to the book to see what the deal is yet, but I think it is about finding ... enjoying ... embracing the grace and the gratitude that is all around right here, right now.

For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, ... Everything got started in him and finds it's purpose in him. Colossians 1:16 (MSG)

Starting now ... With two loads of laundry waiting on the sofa to be folded ... and my favorite candle (dune grass) chasing the bacon fumes from the kitchen ... and the wonderfully cool air pushing this summer heat back. It's going to rain today ... the storm will stay outside. From here ... this moment, I will go look at aviation weather ... And I will pray for the people I care about who may be flying today ... and I will go fold towels and clean some bathrooms. And honestly ... I feel good about that. My husband thinks I am still upset about flying work, but the truth is, I am not. I am really okay right here right now ... today I had time to think about my mother and I am certain that was more important then flying today.

No comments: