The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Monday, July 25, 2011

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”
Vaclav Havel

“A human action becomes genuinely important when it springs from the soil of a clear-sighted awareness of the temporality and the ephemerally of everything human. It is only this awareness that can breathe any greatness into an action.”
Vaclav Havel

I stopped flying somewhat frequently about this time last year. There were several different fires, none related to me, but turns out my track was significantly affected ... so it seems. I mightah got burned. I waited for three months ... not flying at all, then went out of state to a two week program ... finished there. It was really good for me because I got to see how my flying stacked up with other pilots who had similar aspirations. I came away feeling very confident in my ability to instruct ... pilots. Then ... I couldn't find a job. Where I had planned to work wasn't hiring. Who was maybe hiring would be quite a drive away ... working with young men who don't speak English ... contract instruction. The fuel bill and drive time back and forth would have kept me in the red. ... I liked the determination I saw in the eyes of the students. These kids are culled from a peasant life and given the opportunity to ... fly airplanes. If they succeed ... glory ... and a life that must look very glamorous when compared with potato farming. They want to make life easier for their parents and siblings. If they fail ... all of their educational and travel expenses must be repaid ... by their family. That's the deal. I was told that the family of those students could never really hope to repay the costs incurred ... failure really isn't an option ... disgrace ... bleak poverty ... worse yet watching the back breaking toil as your people struggle under the yolk of debt service. Yeah ... I've heard them in the air. Their communication skills suck. But I admire the ... what? The audacity? The courage? Every pilot I know strongly encouraged me to steer clear of the operation. I couldn't see losing money and time for the chance to work with those guys with all the red flags blowing about.
Last week I looked at a start up operation. Their chief was bragging about his advertised fifteen dollar discovery flight ... He spends time during the pre-flight wetting their appetite and announces before the crosswind turn that the fight is over ... 15 bucks doesn't buy much ... . He said if they've got the jingle he'll keep them up 'till they say when. . That wasn't even the worst of it ... by a long shot. He said his CFIs will spend twenty hours dual with his customers ... not point anything more ... sign 'em off and put 'em in the air. I'd rather not ... .
Now the place where I did all my training is hiring. I can still see fires ... and smoke from fires ... and char and soot ... . I don't expect a work situation to be challenge free. It looks like an environment that is able to provide quality flight instruction. That's the bottom line. I turned in my application today.
Husband came home while I was still cooking dinner ... Meatloaf Parmesan, summer squash, sauted spinach and butter beans. How'd it go he asks as he fixes a drink, and I tell him ... not much to it ... . Dropped off the paper work as promised and Chief asked me how my week looks for scheduling the process ... a written with questions pulled from the Gleim ... a knowledge oral portion with a demonstration of teaching a commercial maneuver or two ... And a practical check. Sounds pretty standard. I'm fretting the flight portion just a bit. I've flown only 23 hours in the past 12 months ... 8 of those ... getting the sign off and flying the plane to the check ride location with 1.5 for the actual CFI ride. A couple of hours were sightseeing trips up as gifts ... another two flights were rental checkouts ... one of which doubled as a Flight Review. Two flights were ride alongs with buddies. None of them included commercial maneuvers or performance take offs or landings. I have 5.1 over the past 12 months in a C172 ... the demonstration plane for the check ride. I told my husband that I thought I better brush up a bit ... Didn't even have time to say maybe two hours would get it done. Two hours would be another three hundred bucks ... . My husband is really tired of spending money on airplane stuff. He's pretty exasperated with the whole deal. I understand that. It'll take me ten hours of instructing to pay back an hour of airplane rental ... that's before taxes, he doesn't even have to remind me ... just do whatever you want he says. They should be familiar enough with you're abilities he says and I remind him that I have never flown with this chief or assistant chief ... the guys I worked with are gone. Well, they've talked with people who know how good you are he says ... and he goes on to what probably was intended to be a pep talk. Honestly ... I might be able to nail a short field landing ... pretty sure I can lay down a pretty lazy eight. Eights on pylons ... mine used to sizzle ... maybe they still do. I don't know. Just do whatever you want.
I've been rubbing my tongue back and forth across the top of my mouth while I type here. I have something called Geographic tongue ... it's a little bit painful, a reaction to stress. I've been pretty stressed out these past many months ... partly from trying to make flying stuff work. Now ... I'm just pretty close to worn out. I don't feel discouraged or ... bad. I just feel really tired. I understand that nobody ever "gets" everything they want ... that life is about negotiating compromise ... I am onboard with making choices that honor and support the choices I have already made. I just wanted a little job that I could be proud of ... doing something interesting ... challenging ... helping someone else a tiny bit as they grow towards flight.
My husband would really like a full time wife ... and I would really like to work ... preferable at flying ... . Instructing was supposed to be the compromise that allowed room for both.
Maybe I should be happy with my hour a month up in the air. It's complicated.

Now, I've slept on it ... and clearly, I have to take my shot at this.

Some time in the plane would help ... 5.1 over the past year isn't much to work with, but ... well, just introducing the Chief's two hundred and fifty some odd presence in to the left seat will significantly change the feel of the plane (2450 max TO wt.) Winds and weather will come in to play ... .
Last Sunday at church, the message was about covetousness. The speaker defined it as "wanting something that is not yours ... inappropriate" (that would be like sticking your finger in to someone else's ice cream), as "wanting something appropriate, but at the wrong time" (that would be like enjoying your own ice cream ... maybe for breakfast), as "wanting something appropriate, but to excess (only ice cream) ... my notes aren't handy, but he said it better then that. I want this. It's really starting to seem like more trouble then it's worth though. It doesn't pay well. The value isn't financial gain. It can become suddenly dangerous, and I still have children to raise ... . It demands a lot of time and attention ... and my family resents that. I don't know. Maybe I need to put the lid back on the ice cream bucket. I just want to do the right thing. Just wanting something so bad you can taste it, doesn't make it the right thing. I already know that. I accept that.

So ... all that goes into a box ... and I will give myself a shot at this. The shot I have. And we will see if it has enough uummphhh to hit the mark.

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