On page 27 she writes:
It's the life in between, the days of walking lifeless, the years callouses and simply going throughout the hollow motions, the self-protecting by self-distracting, the body never waking, that's lost all capacity to fully feel - this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead.
Self-protecting by self-distracting ... Yes, that is what I have recently seen as a pattern in me ... going through the hollow motions because ... I shut myself down on fully feeling. I did that ... and I understand why. I know some essential part of me was curled up in a fetal-like ball of ... what? Sadness come undone? Unsheltered, exposed teeth chattering soul cold ... Looking for scraps to fashion a quilt ... .
"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." ~ Albert Camus
And then ... something like that quote ... that little bit of me became soul strong enough to reach out a hand in trust. To un-hug myself and reach that one scraunty blue tinged arm out towards who knows what, just hoping that God really was where He said he would be ...
... And it was just like I have already said ... I fell backwards heart first through some golden light ... . No not really, it's just the best description I can express ... It was nothing like a hallucination or dream ... It was something that my soul knows ... It unfolded my soul ... I know that doesn't make much sense, I'm really trying to find the words ... .
Over time pain came in to my body ... Worked it's way through my heart ... And rolled my soul up in to the tiniest possible little hurting bit. Not really useful ... benched. I knew my only hope would be God. God was the only one who could find me ... the tiny soul me ... . Part of me said ... Hug yourself, you obviously can't trust God ... He may not even exist ... And if He does ... He certainly has more important things to do then ... you.
And I thought trust must be the key ... my truster was busted ... so I asked God to fix it. And when it was better ... I started exercising it ... You know ... I tune a nav aid on the ground and start looking for indications on the receiver, when nothing shows up, maybe the equipment out there is faulty ... maybe my receiver is just fine ... maybe that VOR (for example) is down for service ... or maybe there is terrain or weather in the way. My truster ... has been upgraded ... wowie! I am learning how to use it ... state of the art and interactive with other onboard systems. All good.
God came in via the same path that pain forged ... He touched my body on His way to my heart and from there He unfolded my soul. I'm not saying I understand it ... I'm just trying to note here ... for my loves, for myself, and maybe a few visiting strangers ... God showed up in a mysterious ... way. He knows what He is doing and I trust him ... He seems very present and very real to me.
"This constellation in the dark - grace, thanksgiving, joy - it might be like that - reaching for the stars. So hard. So hard." ~ Ann Voskamp
He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God. Psalm 50:23
added 21 January 2013: