Maybe I shouldn't have moved the washer and dryer without help ... I hurt my back up there around the shoulder blade where it in silence always does hurt ... the hurt that hurts all the way in to my heart.  I am upset with myself for letting myself get to a place where I want to lick old wounds.  You know what I mean ... like you have a thing and you think you worked through it and it's like you're so relieved the lightness of it floats you.  Then ... something like a little physical ache pings at it and the shadow of it darkens until it seems to have substance.  And next thing you know, you dig it up ... and gnaw on it like an old dried out bone.  The pain in my back kept me from being able to breathe deeply enough ... a big breathe pushed at the pain, and then some other stuff piled up on that and now I feel ... not good.  Not good ...  like rope burned.  Last night I had the moving car dream again ... I was alone in a van in the middle of the very back seat, unable to move forward to apply breaks ... the roof of the vehicle started pressing down ... later I dreamed that I was drowning.  It's not a panicky feeling it just feels so hopeless.
I notice that I want to feel ... cynical ... edgy ... guarded ... distant. And ... not.  Not at all those things.

I wonder if this is the sheet rock dust ... or the little picks and dings on my fingers.  I may be spending too much time alone.  I am happy with my work.  I like what I am doing.  But ... I am fretting about something.  A phantom.

And ... I'm letting it make me bitchy towards people I care about.  That's a bit of a surprise ... I thought I was just mean talking' to myself at times like these.  So ... I am trying to figure out how to re-boot.  You know ... not like a re-set on a circuit breaker that will pop again, but like ... what to do with the real problem ... and, truth is, some problems can't really be "fixed".  Some problems ask us to manage our response to them. And ... cranking on others is just not helpful or acceptable.  It doesn't alleviate any of the pain and in fact just creates new little pains.  Super silly response ... I swat at a fly and slap myself silly.  Yep ... that's pretty much it.


Well,  I have my little list of things going and fresh gardenias on the table.  This day wants to be a good day ... a grateful day.  I am going to look for the good in this day ... starting with a second cup of coffee!

"The triumph of good in the individual life is the central victory which makes all other victories possible." ~ Lynn Harold Hough