God figured out a way to sit in a seat that is small enough for me to see Him ... and He invited me to join Him at a table where I think He'd like me to find some joy.
... What I'm trying to say is my soul knows how to fly ... walking well is a totally different and equally challenging kind of experience. I want to add walking well to my soul's experiences.
I couldn't even see the airplanes through the trees on my walk in the woods ... there wasn't one single pilot who was able to see the beauty that was near the ground. There's some pretty good stuff down there too. I'm looking forward to seeing what God has set up at this little round table table.Notes from 11 July 2011

Yesterday was a rough day for a person who has had her eye on flight instructing as a way to spend her fifties down in to sixties. I had lunch with a buddy. He confirmed what I have thought must be accurate ... which is, if I don't instruct over here while we are here for at least another year, then I can pretty much forget flight instructing all together. Yeah, I knew that. It was interesting to hear someone say it aloud. I can not say it ... even when I am alone, without it tearing me up. It's interesting to me that just thinking about it makes my jaw tighten and my stomach tense like I need to throw up swear words ... . I feel angry about this. ... that's part of it. I could drive over to Georgia ... I'm pretty sure there may be a couple of students for me over there. I could maybe do that a couple of days a week, and really, that's probably what would suit me best. I don't want to spend so much time in an airplane that I miss helping my daughters create just the right dress ... or miss my sons' phone calls ... or my youngest's field trips. I really like fixin' them breakfast and making sure there are grapes and deodorant in the house ... I like being a mother and wife.
I think I may be a snob. All this high end training that I've patiently acquired was supposed to be for getting professional pilots started. Hahaha. Really. I hear these hobby pilots on the radio ... Making lunch plans with their buddies sounding so cool and so ridiculous ... or at social events where there is a cluster of professional men talking about their weekend exploits in the air. I just don't see myself as part of that community. My lunch buddy has worked with several of this type guy ... He says I will be surprised at how serious they are as students. He doesn't have a clue that those guys have wives who aren't going to want their husbands flying with someone like me. My guys see me as one of the guys. Guys just don't get it. When my FI was making choices about who to hire ... They needed a lot of people and he asked me for a woman's opinion about hiring a young, very attractive, equally qualified to the rest of the male applicants, candidate. He said she had showed the most initiative with post interview follow up. The big problem with her wasn't anywhere on her resume. Her big problem was she was drop dead gorgeous. As soon as I understood that I said I didn't think she should be penalized for her good looks ... I told him that I knew he must understand that good looks can be a huge burden maybe especially for a woman (He is a nice looking man ... like a poster for what a fighter pilot or an airline captain should look like ... even after they retire). I could read the surprise on his face. Beauty as a burden was a new idea for him ... but he got it immediately.
Working with kids who wanted to learn how to fly was perfect for me I thought. Not because I want to be anybodies mother, but because the huge age difference made it easy for me to be one of the guys. Old, very married to a highly successful man, mother to five children, serious about everything and especially flight instructing, all that ... Still doesn't off set fairly attractive and knows how to fly. Nobody wants their husbands spending a couple of hours a week in the airplane with me. They are already not keen on the whole airplane thing usually and certainly not with another woman in the mix.
That's just the truth. A woman my age in general aviation out here in the boondocks is a bit of a novelty ... . A burden that I just didn't see as a factor ... Because I knew if I trained with the guy I trained with that everyone would respect my accomplishments. Instead, I am blocked at the door by some little man who says those certificates are sweetheart deals. Yesterday, one of the senior pilots around here, a man of national statue in the aviation community, not a friend, but someone who has been a big encourager these past fifteen years that I've been flying, came in while my buddy and I were finishing up lunch. He asked me why I wasn't hired and I told him the reasons that the chief told me. He asked me what the historic issues were and I said I do not know actually.
I know I do not admire the gatekeeper ... How do you say I am unable to radiate what that guy seems to need to see. And maybe that is not even it. I told my buddy that I have accepted (and I have) that I am unhire-able, it's the why's and what could I have done differently that eat at me. I could have used contacts to force my way in I think, but I didn't want to. I'm not anybody's sweetheart.
My buddy said I need to get over it and drive to Georgia a couple of days a week. He said I was sounding a lot like a woman. : )

I am tired of thinking about this. I'm tired of it not working out. I am tired of not letting it go. It's almost always on my mind ... What should I do about flight instructing. Next week I'll drive over to Georgia and see if that might work. I told my husband that I believe that is the very last possibility and I haven't been ready to find out that it's not viable.
And I wonder, is God still trying to help me learn some life lessons here? What are they? I am willing to let flight instructing go ... we are very near the tipping point where letting go would provide some much needed relief. I am a little bit embarrassed by my passion for this thing. I sincerely want to do whatever God wants me to do with my everyday activities. I am extremely thankful for the sweet life I get to enjoy. I don't see this as a fly in the ointment. I see it as wanting to do what I'm supposed to do and flying has not let me go. I am willing to walk. I am willing to fly. Whatever. It is seriously cool to see the shape of ones heart changing. Painful, but cool.