16 now I know. my soul was sad. just realized that. I was keeping so busy so I wouldn't have to notice that. Now ... this quiet year ... I see that. It was easy for me to identify something like that in my dad ... Where it began I do not know, maybe back when his mother died ... So young, too soon ... Maybe these are seeds of dismay. I don't know ... It's like something happens that is so foreign to what seems right, or maybe fair ... And maybe it happens so often that one becomes numb ... Calloused or blistered or both, like my feet as I learn to walk a difficult walk ... And I am figuring that walk stuff out ... There are all kinds of big and small things to help feet that want to walk. People think heavy hiking boots are a must for support, but that's wrong ... People don't discontinue the walk because of sprained ankles ... They quit 'cause heavy boots ruin knees and hips. Yeah ... I am actually researching this hiking stuff ... You need enough sole to carry your load ... Like tires on an airplane ... Properly sized, frequently checked.
My soul wasn't quite strong enough to carry my load.
I talked to a preacher about it, and he said ... Get rid of your load. I said I couldn't do that. Then he said ... then you better start building your soul ... and I didn't know what that might mean, except maybe read the Bible more ... which I did.
Sometimes I see God there ... Sometimes I just see words on a page. I started remembering how I used to believe God was everywhere ... not like omnipresent unseen ... more like in the miracle of photosynthesis ... or ants who can find their way back home ... or monarchs who migrate or golden garden spiders who embroidery lacey architectural feats ... or systems spinning off of Africa, hot sands birthing big rains and restoring atmospheric balance ... Or a zillion big and tiny seen things. I'm not going to tell my grandchildren that God is a spirit invisible. Seeing all ... Hearing all ... Knowing all ... My soul doesn't believe that. Yeah, I do believe all that, but I also know the real truth doesn't stop with those faith facts. I think maybe it's more like ... Hmmm ... Something like an ant doesn't see me. Not all of me. Maybe not even any of me ... Maybe just the edge of a shoe I'm wearing or a fiber in my dress or a crumb from my lunch.
I'm rambling away from what I wanted to say. For me, the most important part of flying airplanes was/is ... it feeds my soul. It's easy to think that's just weird ... And it's hard to explain what I mean ... It's not just the actual flying of the machine, although doing that well is a challenge that builds. I like to cook, but cooking doesn't speak to my soul ... Though it's easy to see a language there for others to hear God with. Hmmm ... I'm not going to write about that today.
That silly poem-type thing ... I know I slaughtered the art of that ... Like sitting down to bang on a piano ... Oh I love that scene in Green Card ... . Banging those words around helped me voice something my soul sees.
In my so much more then dismay I said ... God, if you are there ... Invisible, but present ... I really need some help here ~ because my soul was crumpling up under the load ... silently imploding.
I'm tired. I'm going to leave number 16 right here ... Thank you God for tending to my soul ... Thank you for the everyday miracles.
Added later ... Because it belongs here with the thoughts from this day.
Today ... the gift of this poem came. 30 August.
"You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you."
— John O'Donohue
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