There's something I'm thinking about that I'm not really even comfortable thinking about in the privacy of my own mind. I'm going to try to put it in a pile of words here ... Get a look at it ... Maybe find some orderly way to handle it.

1 I'm okay with how I understand and or feel that things went with my master plan to flight instruct falling apart. It wasn't fair ... Honorable ... Whatever the real reasons which I dont know or understand, I can accept that it's not working out here and now. I reluctantly let it go. It hurts. I can handle it.
2 this isn't the right time for me to start a little job outside our home unless it is flight instructing ... Even charter gigs are not viable right now. I accept that.
3 this past many months of sitting still has been very good for me in many ways.
4 I do not like how sitting still makes me feel ... It kinda creeps me out. I like to be busy. But not just busy ... I like to spend my time doing things that I see the value in doing.
5 I realize that extra time is a luxury
6 this stuff about coincidence is creeping me out. I am leery of ... Probably I should say spiritual things. I don't like the strangeness that quiet brings. I like to look at real things and think that's cool God ... You do good work. I am very uncomfortable with looking at events like I sometimes do here ... Well, when I reread what I have written and see the chain of events that led to a day or a thought or whatever ... I can see what I believe is the work of the invisible hand and that bothers me. I'm not an earthshoe and granola kind of girl ... I'm a roll up my sleeves kinda girl. I am practical about things. This opening up of feelings has mystified me. Yes ... I can see happier and I like that I think it might be safe to be more loving towards ... Hmmmm not more people, loving in a different way. I can love strangers easily ... I'm that person who notices little everyday frustrations that strangers overload on ... I will stop, put you on my car, and drive you to the gas station then back ... I like that I have time to notice and help. This is what I don't feel comfortable with ... I don't want a lot of people in my heart. I don't want people to matter personally ... Deeply ... I feel great about offering loving acts at an arms length. That's part of what's bothering me ... I feel vulnerable. I feel like the bubble I do life from within is ... popped. Shields are down ... And really weird stuff is in coming. Yeah ... Like that. That is how it feels. Like that whole drawn out thing with finding that movie that was incidentally about Aspergers. It's the chain of events that's creeping me out. And then sitting there working away and having big warm salty tears plop puddles on my lap. Tears are messy. What is catching a ride out of my soul on those private tears? My skin feels better, but my soul is trembling. It feels exposed. I am used to it feeling rolled up ... And I didn't realize that until it unfolded. You know, I want to be open to spiritual things, but I am wary of weird shit. I know that isn't a nice way to say it, but it's true ... A lot of weird shit is out there and it's very difficult to discern what's what.

I stumbled in to the idea of writing words ... Whatever tumbled out ... Behind these words one day my soul just opened up. I did do that because I know my soul has recently opened up whatever that means. I wanted to see what words would I say and it felt very strange to write that thing ... Fun, but uncomfortable too ... Ummm vulnerable... Exposed in a way I guess (and I'm not saying it's a great poem, just that it does express something that I feel) okay ... One thing I was surprised and pleased to recognize and even say was that phrase "friend of my soul" ... Okay, so that's nice, but then this is the creepy part. I am, have been for a long time, very interested in neuroscience. I very much like the fact that our bodies work so amazingly well ... And I like to wonder about the connection and interaction of us physically ... Making physical choices ... Everyday choices ... That affect our eternal soul. I move my earth suit around and I become who I am becoming via the choices I make within my range. I know what I mean. There's more to me then what I can see. How does the me I see ... Physical me connect to the real me ... Call it my soul. So, with time on my hands I've been doing a little reading on that ... Trying to catch up on the current work that the researchers are up to. That has combined with my interest in AS and for awhile I have been noticing (I think I have ...still looking at this theory) that not only do we pass on physical genetics characteristics, but it seems very much like there are family proclivities that may be thought of as spiritual. So, I wondered what are my people like. Welsh ... dark haired branch. That took me to the poet/philosopher John O'Donohue with a tiny prod from elsewhere. I was going to buy a book then I thought why not see if they have it at the public library ... They didnt, but they had a different title which I checked out and began reading last night. In the prologue he talks about his other book Anam Cara. Anam Cara translated from Irish: friend of my soul ... . Uhhhh.
Here's the excerpt:

In the Celtic tradition there was a beautiful notion of the Anam-Cara. Anam is the Irish word for "soul" and Cara is the word for "friend". In the Anam-Cara friendship, you were joined in an ancient way with the friend of your soul. This was a bond that neither space nor time could damage. The friendship awakened an eternal echo in the hearts of the friends; they entered in to a circle of intimate belonging with each other. The Anam-Cara friendship afforded a spiritual place to all the other longings of the human heart. John O'Donohue Eternal Echoes ~ Exploring Our Yearning To Belong

Creepy.
7 I don't want to use this time in my life to get weird.
8 I would really like to explore with God, but ... Stuff like this is outside my religious/spiritual box. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Feeling makes me feel uncomfortable too. Love is something about feeling with a soul which is open.
I'm okay with the idea of friends ... real friends ... . The very lovely notion of friend of my soul is not a comfortable idea for me. I liked it when I wrote it. I don't like it now.
9 I may be too wimpy for an adventuring spirit ... I like adventures that my little Canon Powershot can see.
10 at the same time ... I am curious ... interested. Surely God will keep me safe ... .