The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Picture of golden garden spider

No Appalachian Trail today. Husband, home from giving seminars up the way, is already up and out of the house drinking coffee made at the office. He is a bit stressed out, and I expect we're looking at a year and a half or so more of life on this tight rope. He has consistently bitten off more then any one person can chew. I accept that he does that without understanding why. I wish he could see a different perspective ... yes, I'm probably really saying my perspective. I don't think I have ever known a person who so rigidly holds to their own counsel. I am afraid that a heart event will set him down. My dad died from a heart issue ... suddenly, he was gone. His twin brother lingered ... paralyzed ... trapped in his once "anytime, anywhere, can-do earth-suit", he could see and hear ... a hellish last several years. I don't want to think about that. It's sad to remember and a waste of time to fret ahead.
Our plans for when we finish here have been the subject of many a conversation over the years. I remember a talk given once about retirement on "someday isle" ... someday I'll do this or that ... someday. We've settled on a place at the coast ... and maybe a cabin up near the Marble Falls area. We're pretty close to someday now, and he randomly has begun to mention a gig near Dallas ... something someone called to talk about something out in Phoenix ... stuff like that. Or ... even with the house at the coast ... bigger then I have imagined ... too big. I would like a small place ... I think I am mistaking a place for how I wish to feel in it. I just hoped to live somewhere that felt like home and maybe travel some during the summer ... do a little rafting ... see some stars ... laugh a little ... and meander back home. Now I'm saying why not just stay here ... . Maybe the past couple of years have worn me out. We talk about a summer in Alaska ... A summer on the East coast. What I thought he wanted to do next can be done from anywhere. It's funny how we get this comfort thing going that really isn't that comfortable. I look at what I was willing to do and where I was willing to compromise just so I could flight instruct ... I sure have held on to that bone. Letting it go is really taking it out of me ... I am ssshhhing myself continuously. I don't want to want anything like that ever again. I ... It takes a lot of fuel to energize that passion. I'm going to have to think about that statement.

I worry about him. He is having trouble slowing down. He does like walking the Trail. I've been surprised at his willingness to take a few Saturdays off back to back. He wants me to know he is doing it for me. All this he does for me.

Things just feel transitional. I've been feeling like that for a while now. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not a bad feeling, but creepy.

Black and Yellow Argiope ... Aka golden garden spider

This is a beneficial spider. She is active during the day and eats wasps. I have noticed the usual wasp nest in the corner behind the rose vine is not buzzing this summer. Good job ... You go golden girl ... Work that web ...

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