Ramblings

This idea has presented itself twice today ... Same idea sliding in a totally different door. Maybe it bears thinking about tonight when I wake up. Here are the bare bones of it ...

I make a place in my heart for a relationship ... an important relationship ...

How is importance established? seems like, for other then family, it's just intuitive.
How do I decide which relationships get whatever it is that I think is important to nurture a relationship with? What do I value to give ... What do I value to receive?
Why are there so few words for what relationships are and how they are conducted?

Here's one presentation. A woman provided room in her life for her elderly father ... Tangibly, there was a room in the home called his room. He died. His room was empty. She had a baby whose crib was placed in that room. Was it the baby's room or the fathers room. Would that be confusing?

I create a room for a relationship. The relationship ends. Does my heart contract ... Or do I have empty space?

When I was pregnant with my second child, I was so surprised to hear myself telling my son this (true story).
When you began to grow inside me, your place in my heart also began to grow. It was a brand new place ... A place for you, because of you. I thought that was a place where I became a mother, but I didn't know the whole story of that place, because now I know it is just your place in my heart ... Everything that is yours that I can offer you comes from that place. Now we can see another baby growing and I have learned that another place is opening up in my heart. God is growing my heart with a place that holds everything I can offer to this baby ... This baby's place in my heart. "Can you feel a place like that growing in your heart too?" He said he could. I promised him that I would never take anything from his place in my heart and give it to anyone else. I told him that the baby would need a lot of it's stuff pretty quick, because baby's come without any of the love and caring for that grows in our hearts and we must be busy providing the baby with the sureness that they were in the right place. He was an awesome big brother. I remember asking him what he thought a baby would need ... he totally surprised me when he said a NUXie (pacifier) and a nicey (blanket). He wanted me to take him to the store so he could pick those out for his baby sister. We got right on that ... And I told him I thought the baby would want to bring him a special gift too ... the little scamp leaned forward and instructed the baby to bring roller skates. I had forgotten that ... glad to remember.

The place in our hearts for our important relationships ... That's what today has asked me to think about. Caring about people increases our capacity to care ...

Today a sweet gift came in the mail. A bumper sticker which says Someone in Texas Loves Me. I have a place in that heart. I guess once you have a place in someone's heart ... it's just your place. It's a good thing I think.

After some thought ...

Last night I realized that feelings aren't created, rather they emerge. Maybe we repress them or maybe we welcome them ...maybe we are ambivalent. As far as expectations go ... feelings probably don't have expectations. I'm more comfortable with thinking then I am with feeling. Maybe, probably, I've clamped down on feeling over the years. Lately, I've been experiencing things more from just how it feels. I like my walks better ... and my hands tending to their work. Everything feels ... good.

I'm thinking about a cloud streaming dark and bright light at the same time. I've thought that was a shadow, but it can't be. I'm going to find out exactly what is taking place there. This thinking/feeling ... experiencing with a composite self ... it's new to me.

I may be wrong about feelings emerging. I'm thinking about it. History captures atrocities energized by feelings ... Feelings fanned by thought up manipulations. And ... Some stuff one just does or doesn't do based on what they think is "right". Hmmmm.

When I walk down the hall and see that painted chest I feel happy. Painting it was hard for me to do ... risky. What if I messed it up? Before I painted it, I walked by it thinking only to dust it. Against the edge if the mirror varnish lines had yellowed. I never once thought to razor them off. It wasn't my chest. Linens for the sleeper sofa and some Christmas ornaments are all I store there. Now the chest reminds me of the beach ... Now the chest bounces the morning sun, and whispers promises. I'm feeling that chest of drawers ... Hahaha. Feelings.

Oh ... Now it's later still as I continue to think about this. I know that I am really good at compartmentalizing. This is part of what this is about. I ... Somewhere along the way of my life, I decided only people who I believe will stay in my heart, people I trust with my heart ... Hmmm not accurate, my kids walk all over my heart and it doesn't affect the security of their place in my heart ... Hmmmm ... That seems to be true of all the heart held people in my life ... Not the tromping, the surety of shelter. Ouch. That's what it is. A friendship is a shelter. The relationship is a shelter. The ones in my heart are different, I want to feel there. Less important relationships aren't about real feelings they are more about community ... a place to contribute, do the right things. I see myself contributing help without involving my heart exactly.

I have a friend who died from cancer. She was awesome. The kind of person who always made everything better. When we found out she had cancer I said, "No matter where this thing takes all of us, I will be your friend who you can be well with". What I meant by that is her life didn't have to become all about what cancer was doing to her body. I sat with her for chemo and while they pumped last chance into her I laughed with her about life stuff. I loved her very much, but she wasn't in my heart. My gift to our friendship was that I could keep a clamp on my emotions. I could watch her die without mourning for her while she was still alive. My ability to compartmentalize gave her a place to be well. Sure, we talked about cancer ... When her liver began to fail, her skin and eyes turned yellow. We laughed at how in just the right light it made her look exotic ... Peachy pink Southern girl with a Carribean tan. Cancer sucks. After she was gone, my husband said she taught us all how to die ... Gracefully. The battle was horrible for her body. I noticed that her soul stayed well the whole way through. I think time shared with her was more about how to live well.