I remember sitting exactly right here last week, alone with my coffee. I can't remember why I was feeling how I was feeling ... alone doesn't always feel bad, in fact, I think I usually like it, last week it felt lonely, like I needed just a little bit of company. Hmmm. We see ourselves a certain way, then we find out we are as vulnerable to feelings as anyone. That's (an awareness of feelings) been the downside to what has become an exploration of kinder things ... warmer things. I realize now that 2010 was a super stressful time for me. No kidding, I think a third of my hair fell out. Stress, and not enough places to lay it down. Knowing what one is supposed to do and having the experience and skill to deploy it are entirely different things.
Last night I had a crazy dream (not in a row boat to China) ... I dreamed that I was in the backseat of a smallish airplane, in other words, I wasn't able to access the controls. It was like those re-occurring, something is going disasterously wrong, dreams. They stopped ... this one was the first one in a long time. The plane rolled in to too steep a bank. Too steep an angle of bank carries huge penalties for lift, and over stresses the airframe ... excess airspeed can become a huge concern there too. In the dream we were suddenly over-banked and it was immediately apparent that there was a malfunction somewhere. (I always check the aileron balancing weights for secure attachment ... one of those flying loose and wedging an aileron up or down wouldn't be good ... I don't know what caused the problem in this dream, it's beside the point anyway. In the dream I was calm. Flying calm is totally different from backseat calm. I know I would be calm if I were working a landing. Riding to a crash site has an entirely different vibe, I think. The pilot who I have flown quite a bit with and whose airmanship is beyond even a whimper of a question from me was flying. I love that. I love the feeling of no question ... no doubts ... no need to think what I think ... no worries. That's how it felt in the dream.
That must be exactly how an angel responds in relation to God. I don't move through the moments of my life feeling that way. But ... I should.
In the dream the plane came to rest at about four foot in on the runway at a forty five degree angle ... gear up. That flying buddy is known to have a choice word from time to time, but when the plane stopped skidding, and it didn't skid far, we both just started laughing. Maybe you'd have to be there ... it was a great dream for me because it demonstrates some sort of before and after. Before, "out of control" dreams would wake me up with my heart pounding ... I would have to get up and walk around the house, maybe take a shower to rinse it off. That didn't happen last night for the very first time ... last night I slept all the way through to the laughter. I am starting to feel safe with God. That's what that dream means to me. Next thing you know, I may be able to trust Him when I'm awake ... when I feel the scared feel of alone.