The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives - the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.~ Norman Cousins

This note isn't more wanking about not getting to instruct.
 In a weird way, I am grateful that something tangible, and so very important to me while at the same time not so big a deal (like I want to but I don't need to ... it's not a survival thing at all) ... something tangible has not gone as I hoped it would.  This gives me an opportunity to look at something which I place(d) a lot of importance on/in ... spent many life moments on building something special and I don't really know where to go with it from here, but ... I know IT has value to me still ... even if it were to sit dormant like violin lessons have.  So, what I'm stumbling through thinking and writing about this morning isn't at all about flying. It's an issue, but not this issue.  I will always fly.


I've been trying, in my life, to create other areas which are special.  We all do that.  We do it with relationships and aspects within those relationships, we do that with our work: our life work, with important pastimes ... I guess we do that wherever we ascribe importance.  And ... I don't know how anyone else approaches this, but I am pretty careful about where, what, who, all that I let become very important to me.   I don't necessarily admire that quality because it's opposite to one of the traits I admire most in others (like H) ... it's like the line to care and not care.
...
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still. (Ash Wednesday ~ TS Eliot)


So, in this private area that has nothing to do with flying ... flying stuff informs me.  In that private area I am sorely tempted to let something die.  And ... that really goes against my grain, because whether I like it or not, it is important.  Smaller and drier then the will ... I get it.  I try to make this thing right, fan a flame, but ... am unable ... and I want to care and not to care ... I am learning to sit still.  Wow, I hadn't realized it quite like that.  Still is all around me and I hadn't seen it till just now.  I was saying that flying stuff might be a good analogy for looking at to see this other thing which is more difficult to grapple with, but now I am realizing that all those little and big life vignettes may well fit in to the same bucket: 


To Care and Not To Care ... To Sit Still.


The same "Still" that I was thinking about back in November 2010.  


Man, I must be a really slow cooker!