This really is the strangest thing. I am not pursuing closure or even thinking about this event anymore, but all of a sudden nice, kinda soothing things are happening.

During the hazardous attitude discussion, someone said, "When someone is angry with me and I don't understand why, it just stays in my head... They can hate me ... Call me a douche (that's how they talk) ... Whatever, but I just have to know why... I just can't let it go". All except one person said "Yep, that's how I am.". The outlier wasn't really paying attention - he just absently said "Yeah that's how women are". Too funny, or ridiculous if you prefer. "Well, there you go ladies!" I laughed and looked around at the room full of men - 'cept me. The poor listenner knows I've been a little like that this past year. He isn't a confidant ... He's not even a friend really ... He's someone I'm there for. I help him and I like him. He knows the situation I've described previously bothered me and he knows I didn't understand what happened ... He knows I tried to make it right. Maybe I cared too much. I'm not sure about that. But I did see that I participated in a situation where hurt happened. And I did want to understand the mess and/or help clean up the mess. I wanted to behave as responsibly and compassionately as possible. He doesn't know the evolution of my soul.
I can still hear the twenty year old me saying, " if it happens in the rear view mirror it's not my problem." Meaning I can drive as recklessly as I wish - no worries if I'm not directly involved ... Even if the problems in my wake were because of my wake. There were years when my best response to something like this would be to callously dismiss it with a shrug and a flip of my hair (or hand) ... on to something else. I just flat out didn't care. I was a long term tenant at that place where the front door mat said "my give a damn's broken".
It's an emotionally seductively place where nothing really matters and no one can hurt you ... because nothing is important. I know the look in the eyes that look out from that place ... the place where one has nothing else to lose because everything they think matters is gone and they don't have the capacity or courage to let things matter again ... I've seen those eyes in my mirror. I've seen them. I've seen those eyes on beggars in Mexico and on people fleeing Katrina, on a man at the first and then second funeral of his children, on a young girl telling me about her abortion, ... You've seen them too. Those eyes are everywhere. Those eyes say I don't care. That look is long gone from my eyes.

I do care. I even prefer to care. I am blessed to have things that matter. I am blessed to be someone who cares.

Today we launched another CFI - out to a slightly better job ... more pay, less stress, no students, a corporate job. I rode over to the Mexican food place where we do our farewells with one of the new hires. I didn't know that we had a flight instructor in common ... he started blasting the guy a bit and I just laughed and said, "I enjoyed working with him right up to the last ground lesson." I told him how it went and he said, "Seriously that was you?!?" He said the guy said I was nagging him (about flying the RG), he hadn't known it was me. I was so happy to hear the other side of this story. I thought I'd never know the other side of the story ... . Funny really ... I figured no one knew about it even though he was screaming at me in the hall of the office building. Of course they talked about it. The guy's students where rescheduled when he left. There were a lot of hard feelings aired. Everybody knew I didn't want to hear it. I was dealing with more important issues and a lot of this just went over my head. I can see it now. I thought I had decided that I would look out for this batch of guys. Now it's so easy to see that they decided to look out for me.

I learned a lot of good things from caring about that ... and sticking with caring about that. I wanted to blow it off, but I didn't. That's a good thing. I felt a pull towards participating in the trash talk and I've been able to steer clear. I think the hardest part for me has been to remain caring. I feel good about that.