Yesterday I started dinner early - everyone loves to come home and smell deliciousness in the air. We had a quiet evening and I slipped away to a hot bath and early lounging - lazing around. Somebody I read has posted a picture of a lightweight aircraft that has captured my imagination. It has four counter rotating electric engines - two props per thrust line, counter rotating ... and it just doesn't quite seem right to me so I'm thinking about that. From there I jumped in the very "amusing musings" of a charter pilot and next thing I know the bath water is tepid and my book - The Goal - is still sitting unopened on my bed side table. I am liking the book. It's basically about a production model, but seems applicable outside a factory situation. For example, what is clogging up the production of my CFI certificate ... . And from there, what is the most productive remedy. What is my goal? So, yeah, the vehicle to the goal is via the certificate, but the product is not another really cool piece of green plastic. So - I'm really trying not to kick and flail ... swear (which I'm not really very good at anyway) ... well - it's kind of difficult to explain. I can feel the energy I put towards this sort of heating up ... it seems to vibrate in me. Some part of me smiles at myself and says soothing rational wise things ... another part of me has the finger hovering just above the bitchswitch. All I really need to do is sit tight and let this thing work itself out.

"Hell, there are no rules here- we're trying to accomplish something."~Thomas A Edison
and
"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself? - Lao Tzu

... a couple of my favorite quotes - put together here they represent the two horses pulling my wagon - I respect them both, I feed and care for both - I'm just trying to hold the reigns and encourage them to pull together, I'm trying to not get bumped out of the wagon. They gotta learn to run together ... so to speak.

Two other quick notes. My husband observed that I am being watched by my family as I work through this. He says I am doing this not just for myself, but also for them ... they are also served by the intangibles here.
I have a tendency to think of my stuff as compartmentalized ... when they are home, I am their momma ... breakfast, lunches, papers signed, no I haven't seen your shoes did you put them where they belong or ..., then they go do their thing and I open a book or pack a flight bag and do my other stuff. Sometimes they ask me if I flew today but usually we talk about socceer calls or can you take me here, my English teacher is unreasonable, so and so wrecked his car ... you know, important everyday things. On the scanner is a picture of a very little (adorable) girl who is waiting at the airport for what will be her very first flight. Beside her is her big brother, also a preschooler, also very very little (he's 6'4" now). I coulda scooped them both up at the same time back then. Behind them the pilot is preflighting 97883. First flight in a Cessna Skyhawk - for all three of us. She dug that photo out of my huge keepsake box. It means something to her (too). My husband pointed that out.
The other thing:
Little miss came and snuggled me last night before she went to bed. She gave me a butterfly kiss - I used to give them to her because they made her giggle. (A butterfly kiss? You snuggle your closed eye very close to their closed eye and flutter your eyelashes.) "What was that all about?" I asked her smiling. I was surprised she remembered that baby stuff : ). "That is because you had a rough day." she replied with a hug. How do you know I had a rough day?" I asked and she said, "Come on Mom, I'm not a baby. I know things." Pretty sweet.
One of the CFI kids called - they never do that in the evenings - he was just trying to lend a little support. Someone sent a nice note ... someone else said a prayer ... .
I'm getting jostled around in my wagon on the way to this and that, I feel like I'm holding on for dear life (sorta like that Pax landing with me for the first time ... everything was optimal for a super spiffy landing, but he didn't know that ... I can see from that pre-taxi photo he took that he was already pretty jazzed up). I think I've got to hold on, when in fact, everything is most likely just as it should be.