I am taking a break. It has been my plan, for a long time, to earn the certificates and experience to be able to fly for income. I have turned out to be a person who doesn't want/need a lot of stuff. I like the stuff I have to be really nice - but if it's not that's not as important to me as it seems to be to a lot of people...it's not how I keep score...it's not how I assign value or self esteem. Working at things that I find interesting and challenging are what I like to do. Being decent towards other people and respectful towards them and towards myself is important to me. I am not going to be the best at every aspect of what I choose to do. That doesn't bother me. I am thankful that I have the luxury to make choices. Well, I guess we all make choices - what I am trying to say is this: Several years ago I asked some women from a different culture about one of their religious/social customs. From my frame of reference the answer to the question should have been common knowledge to the women - comparable to someone handing me a globe/map and asking me to point out Texas - something any school child should be able to do! The women looked at each other - no one knew the answer - they weren't embarrassed by their ignorance of their culture (The question was something like, "What does this festival that y'all are preparing to celebrate commemorate"? It'd be like asking a Christian - why do so many of the churches of your faith have a cross hanging somewhere in the building....) . The women were annoyed at me for asking them the question. I'm not judging them - I am observing a cultural difference. The women of that culture are not encouraged to think about stuff like that - that is the point I am meandering to. I am grateful for the opportunity to be allowed to follow my curiosity about things. I am grateful that I live in a time and place where I can exercise that freedom. I am so thankful for the people who have engineered and defended those freedoms. I feel an obligation to them to not squander those liberties.
I did spend several years finding my way to me. I sometimes question whether or not I am making appropriate choices about how I spend my time now. Should I still be keeping busy as PTA President and Garden Club - League of Women Voters - Literacy Council - Jr.League has started up in town - should I be doing that kind of thing? I cook well - am I messing up by not spending time planning wonderful meals and keeping all the grout in my home pristine? We have a "sock basket" - over the years I have become not the sock girl. 2x7x7=98 socks per week to chase ... they seemed to be less important than something else - so I went looking for it.
I would not have dreamed it would be flying airplanes. I do like flying quite a bit. I like that each of the tiny components of the activity can be done well - I like that there are little things and that it is a big thing. I like that I can learn about it by doing it and also by reading about it and thinking about it. I like that I can learn about it from/with other people. I like flying with people. I like that you have to discipline yourself towards it. I like that the discipline is somewhat transferable to other areas of my life. I like the layers of it. I like very much the possibility of helping someone else on their journey. It'll be different than mine - and I wouldn't participate in much of it with them - and that's good. I think when you come up to something that requires hard choices - something you can stretch towards - I think it's a luxury to have the opportunity to do that. The flying - and the stretching.
These last few months I have learned a lot about hope, trust,perseverance,humility,compassion, generosity and arrogance - I've spent some time thinking, some time laughing, sometime crying, some time seeking forgiveness, some time forgiving ... I'm learning how to love I guess. It's easier to love my people - the people I've chosen/promised to love. It's harder to figure out how to be trusting and loving in the larger context. It's hard to make one's self vulnerable. It's hard and easy at the same time. It is letting go of self...and control.... The stakes change - from what you're trying to get or protect to what you're willing to let go of. It is a sort of a realization that we are really all sojourning (broken/wounded) souls. It's hard to stay there.
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