The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Saturday, June 18, 2011

SILO DREAM dreams are like shadows sorta written 26 Sept. 2009

I am going to talk about some of my dreams - sleeping dreams.

Mrs. Cook, an English teacher in my high school, was one of the most influential of those people who helped shape me. I chose several classes with her. She challenged us to keep a note pad beside our bed at night and write down anything we could remember when we first woke up. I am, and always have been, a very light sleeper (it comes from not feeling safe). I love it that she suggested that, and I love it that I did it. I have done some reading about why we dream, when we dream, what we dream etc. Some people swear they don't dream. People seem to have mixed feelings about dreams. My take on them is this: I have them. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are not - sometimes they're neutral. I dream in color sometimes - sometimes b/w sometimes just foggy stuff. I sometimes dream music - Spanish -popcorn - you get it.
When I was little I had nightmares pretty often. I dreamed that the car was moving but no one was driving - variations on that. I still dream that. I also dreamed that I was falling - like Wilycoyote (Roadrunner cartoons ) did all the time. And I dreamed that I was crawling over one of those rope bridges and it was falling apart as I went along. I haven't dreamed of Wilycoyote in a long time. I haven't dreamed of that rope bridge just lately either - what made that stop is this - in the dreams after I made it over the falling apart rope bridge I would get to a door - but the door was always locked and the bridge was gone behind time I woke up and thought you have this same dream pretty often and you know it's just a dream - next time you get to the door - have the key. And I did and I stopped having the dream. The car out of control is pretty reoccurring but I haven't solved it yet - the driver is either missing or I am trying to drive from the back seat - it's pretty scary.

I have had some wonderful dreams that I remember. I dreamed this dream a few years ago:
My mother had died and she was afraid of what would happen next. She asked me if I would go with her for a little while - I said I would. We were walking together on a boardwalk in the clouds. As we walked along we saw people up ahead and as we got there I realized that it was a sort of a terminal - people were lined up - everyone was happy and excited - I turned to my mom to make sure she was okay and I was going to tell her that I had to go back if she was doing okay...right behind me near my mom was "my angel". I recognized him immediately. I was excited to see him (because I've never actually seen him before) and I said, "You look exactly like Cat Stevens". I wanted to thank him and talk to him. He seemed to want to leave - he had some friends to see in heaven and I think he was ready for a break from me! As he moved away I realized that I was dead too ... I thought that makes sense. In the past when I dreamed that I was dead I would immediately wake up to do a "body check"... this time I felt that the angel told me to stay there (in the dream that felt quite real). I decided to stay even though I felt pulled towards checking to see whether or not I was still in a live body! This is the main part of the dream:
I walked forward and then I turned back around looking for my mom but she was gone and I realized that I would not have come here (to this dead person place) on my own - I would come only with her because of her because I wouldn't want her to be afraid (My Mom is the biggest "fraidycat" I've ever seen). I walked forward in the line - it seemed like there were still people everywhere but there was a more serious ambiance - no excited chatter towards the front of the line. I could see silo type structures lined up on either side if the main boardwalk. I walk forward and turn towards one of the silos. There was a very nice man standing there - he told me that I was to step into the "silo" which now looked more like a round room from the outside with a top but no bottom - the bottom disappeared into the clouds. He opened the door and I tentatively looked inside. It was beautiful but strange. It was full of a golden shimmering light - I liked it. It was sorta like a cloud - but more pervasive - I can't explain it. It seemed fresh/clean/ seemed like a gas yet tiny shimmering golden flecks sparkled in it. I turned back to the man and he gestured that I was supposed to step in. I'm not getting in there I said - he said it was the way for me to get or learn how to use my new body - I was like incredulous - I fleetingly wondered if my new body could fly - he seemed to read my mind and said yes - laughingly - he was happy. I said I'm not getting in there and he asked me why not and I said - I can't do it because I can't see the edges. I could see the edges from the outside but not the inside when I peeked in. He said, "You humans are so funny," and he started laughing and I saw his teeth and they weren't scary but they weren't human teeth either and I suddenly realized that he was an angel and I was overwhelmed and I woke up. When I woke up I remembered the dream...and I started patting myself to check my body. I was alive in my bed - check. Then I started thinking about the dream. One of the first things I believed from it is that we - I - am pretty connected to my body. A lot of how I spend my time here is in support of my body...I keep it safe and think that makes me safe. I started seeing myself as less a body more a spirit from that dream. I also realized that my body and the circumstances that I find it in shape me - my soul... for example - I am a woman - born here in the USA (Thank God) in this time - I have a strong body a pretty good mind etc... I see things from that perspective. I am afraid of things that would hurt my body - I am aware of the limits it imposes on me. I avoid things that I think would hurt my mind too. The other big take away from that dream is that I would not move forward (into the "silo" and where that would take me) because I did not could not would not trust. That is when I started thinking about trust issues. A lot of my trust issues stem from pain that came into my body passed through my heart into my soul - and misinformed me about God. I felt that God was encouraging me to start moving towards a healing of those wounds. I also felt that God wanted me to be more mindful of taking care of the body/mind that he gave me to work with here - not to knowingly allow it to be in harms way. I'm not talking about buckling my seat belt or not bungee jumping ... I'm talking about that pain that humiliates and cuts your soul.
That has happened recently. Someone I trust wanted to "teach me a lesson" and it started feeling more like humiliation. It's confusing. I'm thinking about that. I'm trying to figure that out.

No comments: