The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Sunday, June 5, 2011

This feels like a  different time in my life. I feel like I am looking at the right stuff and asking the right questions of myself. I feel stronger and more centered then I ever have outside an airplane or in some other demanding and specific situations. I feel good. I felt better in the plane the other day, but ... I'm okay with how things are there. It is what it is. I know what I would like to do flying wise and it may work out ... I hope so.

Hmmm ... tonight I was thinking about how I sometimes say I wish this or that ... and it surprised me to read about those little wishes here. What is a wish ... a whim? A wish doesn't seem to have enough substance to become an objective or a goal.  A wish doesn't high five me a go for it ... that's what I thought. Lately I've leaned that a wish may actually  be clothed in words you dare not utter. I don't do this, but I probably should ... definitely have friends who do. They have an outfit that is so flamboyant or a nail polish color that is wildly inappropriate ... they have a delightful secret thing that stays inside the house. I have never been that kind of person ... I love my hole-y vans ... they delight me and shouldn't worry others! I guess what I'm saying is ...I 've always dared to without even thinking of it as daring.  We grew
up on dares the same way some kids grow up ice skating in Central Park.  I feel that, the need to dance with a dare, taking a few steps back in me right now ...   I feel that reigning in. It has nothing to do with what someone else may think ... I still probably don't care enough about that .... I don't know how to describe it quite. More centered is probably the best I can do with it ... I have wishes that I will restrain myself from wishing. Maybe I am growing up a bit (uh ... not so bad! ... it does go nicely with the grey streaking my hair) .  I dreamed a dream that is best enjoyed as a dream. Now I need to dare to see what is real.

A Wish Your Heart Makes lyrics (Cinderella)

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

...slightly different topic .... this was interesting to me ... for the first time ever I had a dream in which I was sitting in the drivers seat of a vehicle ... not a plane ... I dream of flying planes routinely. It was cool. It was like the Jetsen's car but without the bubble top. It felt almost round and it tilted as I checked what, in my dream, I thought of as the operational parameters ... I went through a run up of sorts and stuff lit up. It actually felt a bit like an airplane with with no pitch and very limited roll ... it was linear. The good part for me at this time in my life is that I wasn't a passenger sitting beside or in the backseat ... I was actively engaged.  Sitting in a seat and not knowing how to make the thing work is not a new dream for me ... I wrote about the other time I dreamed a dream like that ... I woke up sitting in a C172.  That dream was near the beginning of my flight training and well ... flight training has meant quite a bit more to me then the ability to fly a plane well ... it has built me as a person ... it has provided the frame of reference that holds the evolving picture of my life. 

When You Wish Upon A Star lyrics (Pinocchio)

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.

One of my friends recently stated ... kinda jokingly, but it pierced through the fun conversation and focused me on serious matters ... "Fate is the hunter."  Yeah, a reference to the book.  The book is an aviation classic.  I had been putting off reading it in favor of time given to the Naval Aviator ... turns out, I feel it's an important part of a pilot's education ... and well written.  You  ... well, I ... couldn't quite grasp the mystical implications of this statement: Fate is the hunter. I have seen, from my plane, the eyeballs of a pilot in a different plane ... a pilot who said he was somewhere else as I joined the downwind from a 45 entry ... he was overflying the field at tpa when I saw him up close and personal ... he said, "Opps ... my bad!"  Yeah ... really. Had I been flying just the slightest little bit faster ... or the winds been just a tad more aggressive ... or ... any number of things ... we could easily have had an unpleasant outcome.  It wasn't my time. That real life happening reminds me not to believe everything I hear spoken as sincere fact ... a misrepresentation isn't always intentional but in the long run, intent doesn't always matter.
Seems like fate may very well be the hunter ... and maybe that is as it should be. I feel determined me ... the planner ... the worker me ... relaxing just a bit.  Calculating the risks involved to important others ... as I contemplate wishing upon a star or not ... feels like wishing time is over.  Fate very well may step in and see me through ... .  I feel responsible to look out for the loves in my life before myself ... as I'm pretty sure most people do.  Rough landings are probably more difficult for the Pax then they are for the pilot.  As I've noted before ... love complicates things.  And ... I really don't believe wishes come true.  Sure Uncle Walt helped with the emotional education of several generations of impressionable children ... and I still love the Disney classics ... .  But life has taught me that it takes more then a magic feather to fly ... . ... and wishing stars really are for dreamers.  That may be a bit more cynical then I truly am ... I am just tired. 

I liked the line from the recent Pirate movie ... Cap'n Jack choose not to know where fate might find him ... "It's a pirate's life for me!" he said.  I am no pirate ... (and I am no mermaid as the song I like to  listen to here, goes) ... but I do like an adventure ... especially when my eyes are open.

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