The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

When and definitely how I least "expected it"!

I didn't know what else would be really right to do ... So I just started falling backwards ... And I am absolutely certain that God will catch me ... It's the sensation of falling that is so terrifyingly unfamiliar. 

I said that. Guess what ... I am afraid of heights. I have heard that fear of heights is common among pilots. Seems weird. I never experience any sensation of fear about agl in an airplane ... I never really think about altitude on the front burner except as in a specific number that I seek on take off ... "feet above" that will give me options should I suddenly need them. I mentioned my "when you least expect it" a few posts back ... training to react properly to the unexpected may be the best way to think about it. Around here there are lots and lots of trees. ... For some reason the notion of when you least expect it is stuck in the grey matter ... I hadn't really thought about how much effort the FI put in to making sure I keep the "expect it" program running.

I sometimes fly with other pilots who I know are not expecting "it" like I seem to. Maybe I am not as optimistic a person as I have thought myself to be! I'm laughing at myself here a bit because in light of being more trusting, one should not be anticipating the sudden unpleasant possibilities. But I do. I don't dwell on them ... but I do pay attention. My husband teases me about this ... for example, when ever I am in a new space I consciously notice the exits. He watches me find them ... He thinks that is one of my amusing little quirks. I am all about getting comfy where I'm at, but I definitely want to know what the exit strategies are just in case. I do that when I'm inside and when I am outside ... walking, driving, swimming, flying ... living ... staying alive (oh oh oh oh staying alive). He says I am too vigilant. I think of it as situational awareness ... it has saved our biscuits once or twice.

I'm thinking about that falling backwards thing. I'm thinking about trust. About how rare it is to find myself comfortable with falling backwards ... . Well, in real life, it wouldn't be a team building ... trust building exercise ... if it were easy to do. I like it that I visited a place where falling backwards was possible. It makes me smile in my heart every time I think of that because authentic unreserved trust seemed to be beyond me ... beyond my deeply ingrained proclivities and now I see that it is not. Now I see that it hasn't been. I know I am somewhat vigilant. What I had lost sight of is that I am also very trusting in general ... . Hmmm ... that's not quite true. In general, I expect things to go well ... but I don't count on it ... I think plan a,b,c and d make plan a more enjoyable. I have the what if subroutine running. At the movie theater ... in the dark with strangers ... right before the "featured presentation" begins, I hear audio "enjoy your movie" then this, from my husband, "Do you have your exits"? He thinks it's amusing. He thinks it's a demonstration of "trust issues". Until recently, I thought he might be right about that.
Remember those glasses in that Nicholas Cage movie ... Ummm, what movie was that? I like those movies. (Okay, National Treasure ... anyway) The lenses in the glasses combined several layers to enhance different observations. All the stuff was there to see once one had the proper perspective. I've been trying to see well through dirty lenses. What I see now is that I really can trust God. He is a good God ... trustworthy on an epic scale ... not to be confused with human misperceptions or standards. I know that as I write these notes ... I also know that my human frailties will stumble me to places and times when I'm not as sure of that as I am today. Awareness is good ... I guess what I'm trying to say is, God has his eye on things too ... it's really good to be on board with Him.

Trust. Without getting all theological here ... an opinion: A lie was sold and purchased which separated man from God ... . The lie was that God was holding out on his creation ... That there was good stuff being kept back ... knowledge ranging from good to evil (Genesis 3) ... The download that would make us just like God.. Ummm ... Eve had a trust issue.

These past several months I've been falling backwards ... with all my stuff. Ummm. It's been good ... good experiences ... good outcomes ... a good look at myself ... . I found what seems to be a look at a stronger version of myself in an unbroken mirror through clean lenses ... . It took a little bit of falling backwards to get there. I'm smiling at myself, because ... Well, you can't see any of the exits when you're falling backwards. When you're falling backwards, you have to at least hope that some one is going to catch you. I wrote about a dream where I couldn't trust ... was unable to trust, and I couldn't bring myself to what was supposed to be next for me, because my inability to trust keep me from a step of faith. (That SILO dream... It's so bizarre to me that I make what seems to be a random note about some obscure something, then a year or two later, I see where it is part of the story that my soul seems to be trying to write ... Ugh ... Quite frankly it kinda creeps me out).
I'm trying to write about something. I don't know how to. Something surreal that changed my perspective and gave me a way to ... whatever comes next, whatever that is. I was stuck where not trusting God enough kept me. God constructed a surreal place where against all reason I was willing to "trust" ... Idk, maybe my curiosity got the best of me ... maybe it was instinct ... maybe I had time to sit a bit and think ...I don't know how I got there. I did hear myself ask, several times, what are the exit strategies from this wild unknown probably dangerous place and no answer was heard or seen. I fell backwards. I consciously chose to trust ... against my better judgement. I fell through some beautiful swirling golden light where I felt safe and cherished ... Yes, it rocked. The "falling" felt more like soaring and there has not been crash and burn over here on the other side of that surreal, dreamlike, not even an experience ... and yet ... not real ... not spiritual ... Hmmm, idk. It's good. Great. I am excited about what comes next as I process the stunned ... amazed ... awestruck ... chilled out ... less weighted down with baggage I don't need to carry ... aspects of who I caught a glimpse of ... me ... enjoying the adventure that life is. Trusting that life is good. Trusting that I am actually where I'm supposed to be [Red Sea Rule number one, right? ... What a coincidence ... The idea that day was about the "Unseen" (God and his business) moving the seen (me and my messiness).]

It's cool. Sorta like my loop dream ... Someone who knew more and better then me got in my airplane. Trusting them gave me an opportunity to enjoy flying more fully ... and grow stronger as a pilot ... . There really is no better joy then to understand all the ins and outs of the experience (for me flying) that speaks to ones soul. For me, to at very least know my own metaphorical airplane ... It's capabilities and limitations.

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