The stuff I don't want to think about - hurts to think about - not enough information or capacity to think about ... where does that stuff go? It pops up and I push it away ... where does that stuff that I won't think about go? What if it's important stuff?
When My Dad died - suddenly - I was away at school. I was emotionally unable to think about my Dad as dead...gone. Here I am almost 30 years later and the tears burn as I think about him gone - dead. That week of his funeral I spent at home - my Mom got rid of all my Dad's stuff that week. She gave his things to his brothers ... and friends ... my mom is a practical woman. I took my Dad's ball cap and put it in my bag and took it back to school with me when I left. A few years ago Tommy, my brother, was robbed. The thief took some special things from him. My brother thinks I have a safer life. He gave me some of his stuff to keep safe - as safe as I can - for him. What were his treasures? Two school rings (my mom had the wedding bands melted and reshaped in to something that looks wrong to my brother and I), a pool cue chalk (I used to be crazy awesome at pool - so did Tommy and I hope he still plays - our Dad laughing said that skill was an indication of a mis -spent youth), a wrist watch set on 12, and a plain white cotton hankie. When he gave it to me he said it was my turn to keep these precious items safe - I told him I was just as vulnerable as he was/is ... but we both knew I was/am not. He took the items out of the pouch one at a time and I of course recognized the significance of each one. When he pulled the hankie out he held it up to his nose, smelled it and smiled. "It still smells like him," he said. He passed it to me...I know he wanted me to smell it. I remembered that ball cap ... I remember when I stopped trying to smell my Dad there. I shook my head and looked at my brother with tears unshed pooling in my eyes. He didn't mean to make me sad he said and I said I wasn't sad - but I was ... I just didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to feel about it either.
Everyone does this right? There are just things that we don't can't won't think about? I have become awesome at not thinking about stuff over the years. Some of, maybe all of, the stuff I didn't think about has shaped me (mis-shaped?) a little. And then there's the stuff I thought wrong about (and probably stuff I'm still thinking wrong about)... . It right to say that I am thinking right about a lot of stuff ... I'm not just a goofball - I do some important stuff well most of the time!
My brother's son sailed this week to do something important for our country. He shares photos of his days so I can know him a little bit. He spent his last few days in the country playing with a very beautiful girl - it was sweet to see the pictures. I told him that that was a seriously beautiful girl he was hanging out with and he said she won't hang out with me anymore - why does this always happen...I said it's hard to give your heart to a sailor. "That's what I thought." he said. My husband told me that military guys get moved around about every two years...he said they do that bc they don't really want them to get attached to people or places. When he finishes this tour he gets a big treat that he is excited about - a time to rest and play somewhere exotic. Then he leaves again I guess. He wants to fly helicopters. I can see why. I hope all those dreams come true for him. I think it will shape him into a wonderful man...but I am afraid for the parts of him that I can already see "breaking". He is too young and inexperienced to think about that now.
So what do you do...think about your stuff - don't think about it too much because there's not really a lot we can do about things? I think we can do a lot about things - but then I thought I could ride real horses just because I was really good on my huge toy rocking horse! Some people just think they can do stuff! I know I'm the one in the room willing to try ... and it gets me in trouble sometimes. And it makes me sad sometimes too bc I don't do "give up/ let go" as well as I should. I don't do goodbye well. Today I am thinking about that. When you don't say good bye well does it affect how well you move forward to your hellos? I think it must. I don't want to think about it - but I don't think I have room to push it back either.
later - someone who is precious to me said she had a strategy for this - she's been here before and she said when she couldn't think about it, she asked God to think about it. Sometimes you have stuff - sometimes you're in over your head but you know it is beyond you ... I love her idea to ask God to think about it.
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