I'm starting to realize that if I can trust God - not if God is trustworthy - if I am capable of trusting...holding on to the invisible hand - I'm starting to realize that I feel a lot more comfortable with everything when I feel safe with God.
I really like the way reciprocating engines work - when everything is in sync. Look at that picture (below) in to the engine. It's hot - 450 degree cyl temp - EGT 1400 - pretty hot - but not too hot because that was within design tolerances. It's good to start - just starting here and quite frankly I'm kinda afraid of this road because I am a vigilant soul...I watch...sometimes I get "scart". Last time I had a big adventure with God I sat in my car that morning and smiled at the idea of adventuring souls. Then a lot of interpersonal baggage fell down...tumbling over and over and all my stuff was out there in a mess. And I wasn't very graceful about any of it ... I started kicking it around. I didn't do any trusting at all. Just hissyfit kinda stuff. And after I settled down I came to a big realization - and that was: My sinfulness doesn't hurt just me - it also makes God sad. I hadn't realized that before. I was thinking about it like - an engine out of sync cuts down on performance - things aren't as nice but you can still get the job done - no one but the airplane suffers. That was wrong. AND I hadn't really paid much attention to the fact that other people get hurt when I "act out". It feels pretty bad to contribute to someone else's mess. I'm starting to realize that it is vitally important to me to trust God. It makes my stuff work a lot better. It just makes sense ... I was made by God. Why? I do not know. What am I supposed to do? Seems like I'm supposed to do what I do with an eye towards God and my hand in His invisible hand. I've noticed that when I'm messing up I mess up everything/one around me. Someone said, "You gotta walk around in the shit you lay down." I do not like that very much. It stinks. I would like to do better - operate with in the "green arc". Maybe that is what trusting God is really about. It's still pretty hard though.