The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Thursday, June 9, 2011

new notes on old notes ... .

I'm feeling extra thankful tonight - Especially thankful for HGs comment on when I don't know what or how to think about something - ask God to think about it ... some stuff is important - too important to just blow off but too big or maybe too painful for me to wrap my head around. It's not that I don't want to think about it and try to make it better - it's that maybe I can't make it better. Sometimes stuff doesn't get better - sometimes you just gotta agree not to poke each other or hope for stuff that might not happen ... well I guess I'm trying to say some of this stuff is just so tangled up that only God can make it right...and me thinking about it doesn't help. So that's the big idea this week - I do what I can do and leave the big thinking to God.

Looking over old posts I saw this one written in Oct 2009 which was taken off line sometime later. The idea is of giving something that is too much to think about, for whatever reason, to God ... asking God to think about it ... I want to write a little about that this morning 20 months later.
That thinking about thing is complicated and specific. It's a big problem that I really can't do anything about ... that conclusion is a bitter pill which is hard to swallow. I can't do a thing about that.  That sucks. This big problem it affects me ... and my choices on how to deal with it can exacerbate the problem. It's even accurate to note that me seeing this issue as a problem is part of the problem ... that is part of the rub. Somehow I am not supposed to see this too heavy/too much  as a problem.  Weird huh?

Other thoughts come to mind here.  One is a story told to me so long ago that I have forgotten the source. 
A man and his young daughter were  to journey together on a train.  They were waiting to board at a terminal, and were surrounded by their luggage. The little girl was a trooper ... tired, but excited about the adventure.  I can see her in her sweet little traveling attire ... all buttoned up with a big bow in her kinda messy hair ... she has been able to keep up with both of her gloves.  Her Daddy is wearing a long, impeccably tailored, overcoat and a hat ... he is the kind of man who doesn't seem to attract smudges or stray cat hairs ... .  Now the train has settled in at the station, already having blown the sound followed by steamy smoke that trains make when they com to a stop ... it kind of stinks and she covers her nose as the conductor call out "All aboard".  It's time. She reaches for her small satchel and the sweetest little girl purse ... black patent of course ... and her larger suitcase.  Her dad already has it in hand ... he is able to carry all of his baggage ... plus hers ... and he has a free hand for holding ... for helping her climb the almost too steep steps up and in to the passenger car.  She doesn't want to be a burden ... she thinks she should at very least handle her own baggage, knowing that she can drag it along if she must ... she quietly says, "Daddy, I am a big girl now and can carry my own things."  He smiles.  He likes her spirit ... he likes that little sooty smudge on her cheek ... and the cowlick that teases her bangs loose ... his little messy girl is growing up way too fast ... sometimes she thinks she doesn't need him.  "Yes, I know you can carry your own baggage, but it is a heavy load ... and it is my pleasure to assist you."  He smiles at her.  She smiles back at him. As she places her little hand in his steadying, capable clasp, she feels cherished  ... and relieved.  He is also relieved ... truth is, her load is way too heavy for a little thing like her ... yeah, she could manage it, but it would wear her out.  He would like for her to be in top form to enjoy the sights along the way.
... something like that ...
... and this other, a quote ...
"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready." ~ Thoreau
And an old riddle: If you call the tail a leg, how many legs does a horse have? And the answer is ... Four ... Just because you call the tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

That's how this thing is ... Doesn't matter what you call it, for me it is a problem. And it's also true that as I circle around it trying to figure out some way ... somewhere to start addressing it ... well, it's not just daunting, it's impossible ... I can't even drag this particular load!  I am traveling with several others ... so very grateful that God is more then able to handle every one's baggage. It's difficult for me to accept that help ... it's just difficult to accept help. 
My girls will pack every travel bag in the house for a few days at the coast ... and we let them ... we help them carry it around, knowing that it's way more then they will be able to manage!  Over the years I have learned that everything I want or need will fit in a canvas tote ... toothbrush, sunshades, couple of swimming suits ... an extra sundress, lip gloss/sunscreen ... my camera ... good to go.  Maybe I am packing too much junk for this little life journey ... .

Back twenty months ago I was looking at a trunk stuffed full of impossible which became too much to think about. So I asked God to think about it. And ... I had an idea of Him maybe spraying something on it to make it disappear. Something like that. Well ... that didn't or maybe I should say hasn't ... that hasn't happened. Not at all.
Maybe I should say I submerged the problem ...  .  Yes, that is a good way to think of it ... it's sorta like an iceberg ... I can see the tip of it above the waterline ... just the tip is not unmanageably scary and the projecting bit serves as a warning ... Sail your little boat over there and stay clear of over here. I need to see what National Geographic has out there on icebergs ... . This particular iceberg hasn't melted. In fact, I think it's accurate to say the water near it has super cooled forming a slippery opaque outer crust ... The iceberg has gotten bigger these past twenty months, but it troubles me less and less.

Over the last twenty months, I've gotten a different perspective on the problem. Seems like most of my stuff has been taken out  ... some of it laundered and refolded ... something broken has been mended ... hmmm.  Seems like that big trunk of impossible maybe isn't even my burden to carry ... I know it says somewhere in the Book that we are never asked to carry more then we are able to ... and yet I have been dragging some stuff along the way. ... double duh.  Maybe it's even possible that me keeping my hands on the impossible has enabled or (ugh ... enabled is an ugly word ... it makes me partially responsible ... ) I guess what I'm thinking is me dragging that particular load makes it kinda my load ... and if I would just leave it alone, maybe we wouldn't have to take it to the beach with us ... or ... maybe someone else who likes to travel with a lot of stuff can see how heavy that gets ... and maybe how unnecessary it is.  Or maybe it's more respectful to think of it this way ... without making a judgement call on the necessary-ness of the load, maybe just acknowledge that either I need help with it, or it's gotta find another way to the beach, cause ... it's too much for me.  Demasiado.  No mas ... .  That's what I'm rethinking about today.

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