The way to love someone
is to lightly run your finger over that person's soul
until you find a crack,
and then gently pour your love into that crack.
~Keith Miller

Monday, June 13, 2011

I've been awake for awhile already ... I didn't head straight for the coffee machine this morning. My husband left for work early, around four thirty, and I decided to lay in bed to watch a documentary. There were a couple of questions floating up on the ice documentary I viewed yesterday, so I searched that feed 'til I found the area I wanted. While looking for that I came across a documentary on dreams ... which was what I watched this morning. Nothing new there. 'Cept this ... scientists are able to chemically disengage the impulse which keeps us in a state of paralysis during at least some dream stages - notably REM sleep. They are able to induce sleep-walking. (As a backdoor to correcting that sleep dysfunction.) Oh, and this little funny, men are apparently "unfaithful" to their partners in their dreams ... really ... Someone is doing research on that ... Thesis topic: "In your dreams baby" ... hmmmm.
I've noticed that my dreams have changed significantly over the years. I used to dream exciting, improbable, adventure dreams mostly. I never have that reoccurring dream about the decripit rope bridge ... I seldom dream of swimming underwater. The only dreams I seem to remember are about airplane flying or airplane systems. I probably am too wakeful to dream very successfully. I dream, but I can't remember them when I wake up.
As I typed up those bucket list items yesterday I noticed that those sort of dreams have also changed significantly over the years. I see myself as connected to my family and everyone of those things I listed had to make it through the seive of "would so and so" maybe do that with me ... It's very difficult for me to detach myself from the wishes of my pack, so to speak. For example, no one is going to hang glide with me ... . I'm certain that if the opportunity arose, I would say to myself this hang gliding experience money should be spent on a group activity. My group doesn't really want to see Brazil. Or walk the trail. No one wants to go to Atlanta to hear a concert. It seems sorta self defeating to do these what if exercises when you already know how short your leash is ... and we all wear them.

This is my reality ... and I recognize that it's a pretty fortunate one ... I am a housewife. My husband works very hard and enjoys working very much. He likes that I don't have to work ... he has the black and white tv perspective as a life-model. It has been impossible for him to understand why I am not in a perpetual state of bliss. On this flying thing ... He doesn't understand why I want to work/fly ... why I would be willing to bring whatever headaches a job/boss would add to our lives for 20 bucks an hour less our tax rate. It's bordering on insane! He knows I like the towels folded just so and the front porch and
driveway blown off most mornings ... He knows I like placing the dishes back in their places and having an uber organized pantry. Grocery shopping is actually one of my favorite things to do ... it is fun and satisfying. I do actually like tending to our home and family quite a bit. What I really really don't like is not having any money that I earned myself. He loves to give me a little stack of cash. I have never felt good about that ... I am supposed to be thankful ... appreciative ... but I mostly just feel bad ... . As I type, I can see that it's an independence thing. I tend to be very independent ... It is pervasive in my personality ... I've never been one to follow the crowd. I'm sure that trait has it's pluses and minuses ... as with most things, the minuses are more readily apparent. A housewife is very dependent ... and there is an asymmetric distribution of power that creates dissonance for me. What my husband does not prefer to do, we don't do. We have never been able to afford a thing that he didn't want to own. And, that makes sense ... A person should be able to assign value to the prizes earned by their effort. It's hard on a housewife though ... I
know what my work looks like, but my prize is ... satisfaction in a toilet well scrubbed I guess ... fleeting.
Well, that's definitely headed in the wrong direction. I guess I believe a housewife's role is to facilitate the happiness of her significant others ... she is to find her purpose and joy there. If that's not enough then ... sol it seems. I was trying to retire from that as a only role ... retire in to flight instructing. That seemed to fit with my primary concern ... tending to my family. I know charter flying doesn't work with the life we have designed ... I sure thought instructing would cover all the bases. I'm fretting about this today probably because I will see a lot of my pilot buds this week at FIs retirement events. I am probably rehearsing my game face ... Looking for a credible vibe ... these guys love to tease me about being a kept woman. Maybe they do or maybe they don't realize how tender the area around that spot is ... .

The laptop I use has been fritzing out. This Saturday we drove up to a major city to the Apple store to swap a faulty charger out for one of the kids. While we were there my husband surprised me with a beautiful ... Omg!mine?really? ...iPad. That's why I was watching documentaries in bed this morning ... . It's so much cooler then a laptop! So sleek. So amazing. I am certain that it is my second favorite thing ever. My husband gave this to me. I feel guilty typing out some whine on it ... I really should right?! Life is a lot more complicated then it seems like it should be. I am thrilled with this lovely gift. I like seeing a clean toilet ... I really do. I am so thankful that I can escort my little girl to her middle school orientation today ... Already looking forward to planning dinner tonight. I am thankful for this time in my life. I just wish it could include an occasional lunch in Altanta ... and maybe a companionable stroll around the art museum ... and a few flight students.

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