Last night I woke up with unshed tears in my eyes. My ankle and I think the muscle around it was hurting - aching - so bad, and my shoulder was burning. I don't have a lot of words for pain. It's hard to describe feelings - sensations. Again, I wish I were fluent in a language with nuances. I sat up in bed last night and swung my legs over feet dangling towards the floor. I was still asleep - kinda. I started rolling my shoulder and ankle - they both hurt. Stretching made the ankle cramp up which really hurt. I realized I had to get out of bed and put some weight on it - which I dreaded because the floor was surely cold - that's one of the things I like about wood floors - less appreciative in the middle of a cold dark night. I carefully stepped out of bed and stood there. The house was dark and I could hear my husbands rhythmic breathing. I didn't want to wake him up stumbling around. I reached for my phone/flashlight and slowly carefully stepped out of the room. I wandered around my house easing the stiffness out and then I went back to bed wrapped in a "throw" from the den. I woke up with a headache - kinda - and I can tell I was gritting my teeth during my sleep. I am such a baby! This morning everything still hurts - not bad though. My husband said I probably got too cold last night while I was sleeping ... or maybe my "Indian blood" was registering a pressure change. I think maybe I am just getting old. I know I should get back on a consistent yoga program - or at least walking with Sammy. I just seem to be too busy. Today, I have no teaching or learning commitments. I thought to leisurely review Nav-aids ... make some notes maybe. My phone is reminding me that I made a lunch date. I don't really want to do anything that requires anything other than flannel pjs.
So - enough whining - before I got up this morning I was thinking about that pain that gets in our body. I remember exactly when I hurt my ankle - guess the other one hurts a little just from the normal wear and tear on a 51 year old body that used to run and jump and hurl itself over and off of things. I remember when my shoulder was hurt too. I was thinking that I could do a lot of things about that if I wanted to. I'm thinking about making myself take better care of myself. I expect to live for a long time. I need to make some deposits into that health bank now while it is possible.++++note made the next day++++ had foot and leg cramps pretty much all day - web research indicated that I was dehydrated - concentrating on drinking a lot of water today. I usually drink 8+ glasses a day - but not lately - need to see if that's it. I have noticed that I'm very thirsty of late.
I was also thinking about that pain that we all acquire in our spirit ... and/or soul. I was thinking that I remember when and where some of those "pains" came from. I was thinking about how God makes a way for us to "stretch or exercise or strengthen" those pains out - where they don't hurt and possibly disable us. How do I do that, I wondered. A few ways came to mind - I forgive - that's a big one. I believe that God makes wrongs right - not in a payback way - in a personal way...I think He knows how to make things right in our spirit... and/or soul. I think He heals and restores. I think He calls me to choose to discipline myself towards the things He has for me to do. Okay - enough of that to be able to remember what I was thinking.
Next, I had a very sweet dream a few nights ago that I want to note here so I can remember it:
I was old - like really old - like what I think 95 would be like. I was in a room that seemed to be my bedroom and I was in bed lying on my side under the covers. The sheets felt so good (that feeling probably wasn't a dream bc I do love my sheets now!). I could see around the room - it was exactly the kind of place I like to be in. The room was quiet - I felt totally chilled out - serene. A young woman came in with a bunch of yellowcoral roses. The roses smelled great. She - I think she was my granddaughter - said these came for you - do you want me to put them in water "tall" or shall I clip the stems so you can see them better. In the dream I thought I wish you'd just lay them here on my bed with me... but I didn't say that...I thought it might be easier for her to pretend it might matter...that I might be there to watch them open. In the dream, I knew I was at the end of my life...I knew that I was very close to closing my eyes for the last time...I knew that my family was just outside the door of my room - in and out - visiting. "...pretty ... who are they from," I asked her and she handed me the florist card.
The afternoon after I had that dream I told my husband about that it. He asked me who the flowers were from. Someone who wished to be there but wasn't - couldn't be I said. Oh, probably one of the boys couldn't get away from work he said...I looked out the window and nodded as he went on...what a sweet dream he said and I agreed that it was a very sweet dream...and our conversation moved along to other things.
In the dream the card said "I love you always... " In the dream I smiled and asked the young woman to just please leave the flowers just like that - peeking out of the paper - and put them on my bed where I could see them, smell them - touch them.
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